Always The Bridesmaid, Never The Bride

Congratulations to my best friend in the world for her engagement earlier this week. I have never been happier for anyone. As a matter of fact, I screamed like a girl when she told me. I never really understood the concept of marriage before this week. I know that sounds crazy but marriage is just an institution that I thought would have been phased out at the turn of the century…last century that is. However this whole incident has got me thinking a lot more about it.

Why would people want to go through all that just to show their love to each other? It isn’t like somebody loves you more once you are married, compared to the day before you were married so what is the big deal? I think I have been hanging around the wrong people and watching the wrong television shows. It always seemed to me people put so much emphasis on getting married and living the perfect life that they never stopped to think about what it should really mean. Marriage isn’t about the wedding and all the flashiness that goes with planning the big day. I personally find all of that to be rather shallow. After watching my two friends the past two years, I know what the big deal is. It is the commitment. It is the idea that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, wants to spend the rest of their life with you and they want to start right now.

All the sudden, it seems funny to me the government doesn’t allow this right to a certain segment of the population. I mean really, what does the government know about love, honor and respect anyway? I am not saying I am going to go lobby congress on gay marriage or anything, but I do want to say in the relationships I have been involved in, the idea of commitment has a whole lot more to do with love and respect than whether or not one should choose chicken or beef as an entrée during the reception.

I have digressed. This post is to congratulate my best friend. I have known you for so long and I have never seen you as happy and in love. It is great to see two people who truly love each other commit to one another like the two of you have. HOWEVER, if I lose my Ohio City drinking buddy over this union, I am going to be a little upset.

All-Inclusive

I had only planned on spending one maybe two nights at my parents’ house this Thanksgiving Weekend. However after my fall, I ended up staying four days and four nights. That’s right, it was like I won a vacation: All inclusive four day-four night stay at Camp Lieberth including the following amenities:

All you can eat Thanksgiving leftovers; any DVD you can possibly imagine; all sports, all the time on your choice of four different televisions; unlimited internet access, hot tub usage and pain killers; euchre tournament on Saturday and filet mignon served on Sunday during NFL Primetime. Sorry lake will be closed for the winter.

Even though I felt like crap all weekend, it obviously could have been under worse conditions.

Strange but true fact of the day: Four different people I have lived with and would consider some of my best friends over the past ten years, turn 30 this week.

How Sick Am I?

I will be missing my third party of the weekend tonight. I still haven’t left my parents house and I haven’t changed my clothes in three days. (If you are yet to read my last entry you may want to go back because it will give you a little insight into the following information.)

On Wednesday I was told I had a sinus infection. No biggie. I get them all the time. What I don’t do all the time is fall down a flight of stairs and crush my nose where my sinuses happen to be housed. With the swelling, I have been unable to blow my nose or cough up anything in my body. Good times. Things are looking better though, today I was able to raise my arm above my head for the first time in three days. That was very exciting. Nonetheless it has been very hard to fight this sinus infection and I feel so gross. I haven’t been able to sleep in three nights, even with the muscle relaxers my mother has given me.

Yes my mother has proven to be a regular nurse-in-training through this whole ordeal. When I woke her up to help with the blood, she immediately handed me a box of frozen pizza rolls for my face, frozen broccoli for my knee and some darvocet for the pain. Who needs the Cleveland Clinic when you have Camp Lieberth?

Thanksgiving Eve

With visions of turkey dancing in her head, I woke my mom up at 3:30 am on Thanksgiving with the following question: “Mom, what do you use to get blood out of your carpet?” Her response, as you can imagine, went something like this: “Huh? Blood? Huh?”

Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night to turn the heat down, or at least I think that is why I woke up, and ended up taking a nosedive down their stairs right into the dining room. I cut my lip and nose on the banister as I fell to the bottom and there was blood everywhere. How nobody woke up is beyond me. I remember laying there at the bottom thinking: “Wow, give these people a couple drinks and some Chinese food and they can sleep through anything.”

The whole right side of my body is hurting today as I hit my knee and elbow against the wall so hard my pajamas ripped. My parents and I laughed reliving the story this morning when my mom told us to quiet down so we wouldn’t wake my brother up. However, I believe if he slept through that dainty fall of mine, he could probably sleep through anything.

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

What a great weekend! I shared some great moments with some great people and most importantly, my theatrical debut was a success. Wild Plum put on an incredible show this weekend at Asterisk Gallery and I have to believe my own personal success was inspired by the movie Dirty Dancing.

On Friday Mindy sent me some lines from Dirty Dancing and then on Saturday before my second show, Dirty Dancing was on television so I watched it for inspiration. Watching Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze helped motivate me to perform at my best and reminded me of the roles Maria and I would be playing later in the evening (ahem). (Yes, it’s true-this is one of my favorite movies. I even went to the concert involving all the soundtrack artists back in 1990. Anybody really scared by this revelation?)

Best line from the weekend was provided by Alison when I asked her what hat I should wear to a party. (I needed to wear a hat because my hair was all slicked down and I didn’t have time to change from my greasy salesman persona hair to my regular hair after my show.) I don’t own many hats so from the two choices I showed her, she said:
“Well that all depends, do you want to look like you are about to build a snowman or do you want to look like you are driving a train?”

Runner-up line: “Oh, you were right! He does look like a lesbian.”

I also realized how incredibly lucky I am this weekend. For the past two months, my friends and I have found a way to get together every weekend for some sort of celebration whether it was a birthday party, Halloween party, art opening or holiday party. I can’t think of any other time in my life when I had so many great people surrounding me. Next weekend one of my best friends will turn thirty. Guess we will probably have to celebrate that as well.

Honk, Honk

Today I had to go to van training at work. Today’s session entailed us sitting in a classroom for two hours getting lectured by a retired driver’s education teacher. We all remember what our driver’s education teacher was like, now imagine that person twenty years older as they say this to you:

“Safety precautions include using your horn. I am the kind of driver that likes to use my horn when needed. I guess you could call me a horny driver.”

True story.

There Are Some Things Money Can't Buy

Cigarettes: $4.00

Our original bill at the Fulton: $38.00

Our bill after I told Mindy to let the bartender know Happy Hour was still in effect: $17.00

My new blazer from Unique Thrift: $6.00

Having to buy a pair of jeans so I could go over the $12.00 limit to use my card at the thrift store: $6.00

Finding the perfect blazer for my role as Chip in tonight’s skit: Priceless

Laughing for ninety minutes straight about anything and everything with Mindy, who I haven’t hung out with in weeks: Priceless

Sharing a Middle Eastern beef dish with Mohammed and Jimmy at the little store where I buy my cigarettes when I asked what smelled so good behind the counter: Priceless

Making a friend forget about her troubles, even for just a moment, with an incredible joke that only works when I have been drinking so I can talk really loud with an Asian accent: Priceless

Hearing a middle-aged guy in Ohio City say his mom just took him out for the best birthday steak dinner in the area and then when the bartender asks where at, he replies “The Longhorn at Ridge Park in Parma, ever heard of it?”: Priceless (This guy was creepy because he kept reading the birthday card his mother had given him over and over again.)

Just your run-of-the-mill typical Thursday night in Ohio City.

Maybe I Am Not So Crazy

Earlier this month, I had an entry which described my refusal to turn on the heat. I thought I was being so vigialant. I was so proud of myself, but I also wrote the article when it was still 55 degrees outside. Last night I broke down. As my apartment went below 50 degrees, I had to turn on my heat. I couldn't take it anymore. I could no longer move in my bed because I was wearing so many layers of clothes. I got up out of bed, set my heat to 60 degrees and fell asleep with dollar signs running through my head. However it was nice to feel my feet when I got out of bed this morning.

Short-Lived Love Affair

This won't last very long, but I love that today is the first snowfall of the year. There has always been something so romantic about seeing the flakes again after almost seven months. Makes me want to cuddle up in front of my gaudy seventies fireplace (even though it doesn't work) with a glass of brandy (even though I don't drink brandy). Hard to believe it has been seven months since it has snowed considering the winter always seems like it lasts year-round here in Cleveland. However, for the moment I am glad to see it. The wind conditions I could do without though.

Who Knew?

I learned so much the past couple days!

Who knew the Tremont Art Walk doesn’t have to include walking at all and that it should really be renamed the Tremont Art Drink?

Who knew if someone is cheap enough to flash someone for money, they are cheap enough to take a check instead of cash?

Who knew Macaroni and Cheese is best served after midnight?

Who knew the Rocky River Kiwanis pancake breakfast would include a piano solo?

Who knew watching sports without knowing the score could be so damn frustrating?

Who knew Lebron James would become the youngest player to score 4,000 points in an NBA career? (Ok, ok I actually knew that one would happen.)

Who knew staying in on Saturday and being in bed by 10 pm could be just as enjoyable as being with your friends on Friday night?

Who knew the CAVS could actually play defense?

Who knew Mindy would make my life a living hell this week and laugh uncontrollably when I tell her what she is doing to me?

Who knew our fantasy football team would blow everyone away with the following receiving corps: Roy Williams, Dennis Northcutt and Antwaan Randle El?

Who knew if you asked for a case of wine: half red, half white, the Market on Professor would give you all pink (rose) wine?

What an enlightening weekend!

On The Run

If you need to find me this weekend or next weekend, I will be on the run in Tremont. Wild Plum is presenting Exile on Professor Avenue with a celebration of visual and performing arts. The visual pieces will be displayed starting November 11 for the Tremont Art Walk and the performance pieces will be running November 18-19 at Asterisk Gallery. This entry includes a shameless plug as I will actually be acting in one of the performance pieces. If you get a chance, check out the free (donations always accepted) and incredibly entertaining artistic endeavors put on by the fabulous people at Wild Plum.

A New Product On The Market

As I was watching television last night, I saw that Downey fabric softener has come out with a new line that smells like Fabreeze. I laughed out loud. If you know me at all, you know why I laughed out loud. If you don’t know how dumb I can be, let me tell you a little story.

Last year I was washing my clothes when my brother came running down the stairs and looked at my bottle of fabric softener and started laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he proceeded to tell me how one of his fraternity brothers used Downey to wash his clothes when they were in college. I didn’t get the joke. I said: I don’t get it, that is all I use on my clothes. He lost it and ran upstairs to tell my parents I only use fabric softener to wash my clothes. I told them I have been using it for the past six months because it is cheaper than the other brands. Nobody knew what to say, so they all just laughed. Apparently fabric softener is a supplement to laundry detergent and should never ever be used as laundry detergent. Mindy put it best when she said, “In essence you have been fabreezing your clothes for the last six months.”

I guess I should have realized why my clothes had those weird blue marks on them, yet no stains ever really came out. The one good thing was that my clothes had never been softer or smelled better than they did for those six months. I can only imagine how good they would have smelled if I would have used the new Downey Fabreeze.

Addendum

Last week I wrote about my blog being a litmus test for funny as in people saying, “You have to write about this in your blog.” However, I forgot to mention it also measures how many reputations could be ruined with one simple entry. This can be illustrated by the fact that when my brother tells me a story, he usually prefaces it with, “Please don’t ever write about this in your blog.”

More TV Troubles

The craziest thing happened yesterday. Without warning the picture on my television screen was magnified so I can no longer see the top and bottom of my screen. Does anyone know what would make a television do this? Let me just explain why this is so important to me. Last night as I tried to watch the Marshall/Southern Miss game on ESPN the commentators were talking about how close the game was. I no longer can see the score in the top of the screen, so I had no idea exactly how close the game was. ALSO, I can no longer see the scoring updates at the bottom of my screen. Not to my mention when I try to watch regular television (because I don’t really count sports as regular television) all the heads are stretched out and look deformed. Please send help ASAP because the CAVS game starts at 7:00 tonight.

Opening Night

I woke up this morning and I had that “Christmas Morning” feeling in my stomach. It’s opening night for the new-look Cavaliers and I am so excited. If only my new LeBron jersey was considered business casual, I could have worn it to work today to commemorate the opening of the season.

A Halloween Memory

I got a funny phone message from my dad earlier this week. It went something like this:
“Hey did you see only 40 people got arrested at Ohio University last weekend compared to 445 at the University of Wisconsin? What is going on there? Ohio University must not be such a big party school anymore.” There are several reasons why this statistic intrigues my father.

First, my dad, like myself is an alum of Ohio University. He seems to hold as much pride in the party school image as all of his children who went after him. Second, in some publication at some point this year Ohio University was named the second biggest party school in the country behind Wisconsin. My dad also left me a message regarding this ranking when it occurred. Third, during my first Halloween at Ohio University, I was arrested. For some reason, I think my dad (and maybe even my mom) were actually proud of me when this happened.

It’s true I was arrested at my first Halloween in college. The first time (ahem) I was arrested was Halloween 1994 in Athens, Ohio. I was walking down the street as a clown minding my own business when a volunteer cop swooped out of nowhere and threw handcuffs on me. Apparently the open container, which I forgot was in my hand, was against the law. I tried to explain it was part of my costume, but it didn’t work. I was number 14 that night out of 437 people who got arrested. Apparently I couldn’t wait until after I had a good time to get arrested that evening. No…I need to get arrested right away at 7 pm when most people haven’t even left their house yet.

There I was in my blown-out clown costume: the big rainbow hair my mom bought me to wear for this very occasion, clown nose and clown clothes being led away to the local jail. The arrest itself was a joke. I had to walk around with the number 14 around my neck and the lackey who arrested me got to have his picture taken with me. They also tried to fit as many people into these tiny cells as possible.

I was the first of eight girls thrown into my cell that night. One by one they were all led in for various alcohol-related reasons. And one by one they all said the same thing: “My dad is going to kill me!” When I was finally released on bail five hours later and headed back to the party with my friends (what do you expect, it was still early?), I turned to my friends and said: “My parents are going to laugh so hard!” As a matter of fact, my parents were actually upset I didn’t tell them earlier so they could have told all their friends.

I bet none of those girls’ dads called them this weekend with that statistic. Thanks for the information dad.

Blog Material?

One funny thing about having a blog is when people do or say stuff around me, I tend to hear the following things:
“Are you going to write about that in your blog?”
“Is that blog material?”
“You should totally write about that in your blog tomorrow.”

It makes me laugh when people say this and it also serves as my new litmus test for funny. It has gotten to the point when people don’t say that after something funny happens, I want to say: “What? You don’t think that would be funny enough to go on my blog?”