Please stop the fighting in the Gaza Strip; Please end the war in Iraq; Please restore New Orleans to it’s once beautiful and glorious form; Please end South Dakota’s ban on abortion; Please don’t let the Federal Marriage Amendment pass; Please don’t let Ken Blackwell get elected as the next Ohio governor, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, please, please let Jordan Farmar (point guard, UCLA) be available for the CAVS tonight with the 25th pick in the 2006 NBA draft.
It’s hard to believe my girlfriend finds my politics flippant.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Want To Get Rid Of Me? Here's How:
Help send the Wild Plum troupe to New York July 13-July 16 to perfrom Marla's Devotion, written by Linda Eisenstein and starring Denise Astorino and Maria Miranda. Props and some back stage management done by yours truly. So what can you do? That’s a great question! Attend the show for our benefit this weekend and do your part to help get us there to participate in the Fresh Fruit Festival. You have four different days to attend, so I don’t want to hear any excuses!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
How To Prove You Aren't Homophobic
Chicago White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen called an ESPN columnist a fag yesterday. When other reporters went to the Major League Baseball office asking for a suspension of the manager, Guillen tried to justify his comments. He said that in his native Venezuela, that word is not a reference to a person's sexuality, but to his courage. He also said he has gay friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to go to the Gay Games in Chicago.
I think he may have developed a prototype checksheet for homophobia with his remarkable list of accomplishments. I challenge anyone to see if they can beat out Ozzie Guillen to prove who is less homophobic.
Please check if any of these apply to you:
Do you have gay friends? Add two points if you are on a first name basis.
Have you attended a WNBA game in the past three years? Add two points if you went with a lesbian.
Have you gone to a Madonna Concert? Add two points if you think this shouldn't be on the list
Do you plan on attending the Gay Games in Chicago? Add 25 points if you plan on participating.
Good Luck!
I think he may have developed a prototype checksheet for homophobia with his remarkable list of accomplishments. I challenge anyone to see if they can beat out Ozzie Guillen to prove who is less homophobic.
Please check if any of these apply to you:
Do you have gay friends? Add two points if you are on a first name basis.
Have you attended a WNBA game in the past three years? Add two points if you went with a lesbian.
Have you gone to a Madonna Concert? Add two points if you think this shouldn't be on the list
Do you plan on attending the Gay Games in Chicago? Add 25 points if you plan on participating.
Good Luck!
Monday, June 19, 2006
The M stands for MORON
They say you should never meet your heroes. What this normally means is your perception of them can become diminished if they aren’t who you thought they would be. This rule also applies to me, but in the sense that I become a big moron and say stupid things, and something else about restraining orders but we don’t have to go into that part…ahem.
You always imagine how the encounter will go by envisioning what you will say or how you will act and then when the time comes, you totally flake out and become a bumbling neurotic moron. That is what happened to me on Saturday.
First a little background: Alix Olson is an incredible spoken-word artist. The first time I heard her perform, I could hardly move as I was mesmerized by her energy and her presence. I have driven far and wide to see her perform live, and three years ago I got the chance to actually meet her. Let’s call this encounter Moron moment number one (MMNO). MMNO occurred at a festival after she finished one of her performances. I went up to her like everyone else at that performance and told her the same thing everyone else before me had probably told her: “You are incredible thanks for inspiring me to write and express myself.” She thanked me and I probably should have walked away, but instead I froze up and just stood there with this blank look on my face. When I realized what had happened, I just ran away. Unfortunately the festival lasted two more days and I would walk by her and feel so stupid, hoping she would just forget about that very awkward and spastic conversation. Maybe she did, but I think I reminded her Saturday of that weird encounter.
On Saturday, I received a phone call from Maria. When I picked up, she told me somebody wanted to talk to me. Alix Olson got on the phone (I know...isn't that so cool!!) and the conversation went like this:
Alix: Michele?
Me: Yes? Who is this?
Alix: It’s Alix Olson.
Me: Really? Oh my god, I thought you were touring somewhere else this weekend.
Alix: No I am in Cleveland with Pam.
Me: Oh really because I could have sworn you were in California or something (Do you see how dumb I am? Why would I question her on her whereabouts when she is clearly in Cleveland, Ohio using Maria’s phone-let’s refer to this as Moron moment number two: MMNT)
Alix: No I am here and you should bring beer too.
Me: I am sorry… what did you just say?
Alix: Here. You should be here too. (Ok this is where I thought she said I should bring some beer, so I had to ask again because that didn’t make sense to me either. Good thing I got that clarified.)
Me: Oh ok
Alix: Well it was nice talking to you
Me: Actually we met before. I don't know if you remember. (Why in the world did I say that to her? Did I actually want her to remember that awkward conversation we had?)
Alix: Oh? Well I can’t really see you because we are on the phone.
Me: Oh yeah. (Did I think she would remember my voice or something? We can just label that MMNThree)
Alix: Well it was nice talking to you
Me: Ok well it was really cool to talk to you too. Thanks for getting on the phone and for being so cool with your fans. Maybe I will come up and see you. Are you going to perform…Hello? (She had hung up at the end of her last sentence, but I didn’t realize it).
Not only should I never meet my heroes, apparently I shouldn’t even talk to them on the phone.
You always imagine how the encounter will go by envisioning what you will say or how you will act and then when the time comes, you totally flake out and become a bumbling neurotic moron. That is what happened to me on Saturday.
First a little background: Alix Olson is an incredible spoken-word artist. The first time I heard her perform, I could hardly move as I was mesmerized by her energy and her presence. I have driven far and wide to see her perform live, and three years ago I got the chance to actually meet her. Let’s call this encounter Moron moment number one (MMNO). MMNO occurred at a festival after she finished one of her performances. I went up to her like everyone else at that performance and told her the same thing everyone else before me had probably told her: “You are incredible thanks for inspiring me to write and express myself.” She thanked me and I probably should have walked away, but instead I froze up and just stood there with this blank look on my face. When I realized what had happened, I just ran away. Unfortunately the festival lasted two more days and I would walk by her and feel so stupid, hoping she would just forget about that very awkward and spastic conversation. Maybe she did, but I think I reminded her Saturday of that weird encounter.
On Saturday, I received a phone call from Maria. When I picked up, she told me somebody wanted to talk to me. Alix Olson got on the phone (I know...isn't that so cool!!) and the conversation went like this:
Alix: Michele?
Me: Yes? Who is this?
Alix: It’s Alix Olson.
Me: Really? Oh my god, I thought you were touring somewhere else this weekend.
Alix: No I am in Cleveland with Pam.
Me: Oh really because I could have sworn you were in California or something (Do you see how dumb I am? Why would I question her on her whereabouts when she is clearly in Cleveland, Ohio using Maria’s phone-let’s refer to this as Moron moment number two: MMNT)
Alix: No I am here and you should bring beer too.
Me: I am sorry… what did you just say?
Alix: Here. You should be here too. (Ok this is where I thought she said I should bring some beer, so I had to ask again because that didn’t make sense to me either. Good thing I got that clarified.)
Me: Oh ok
Alix: Well it was nice talking to you
Me: Actually we met before. I don't know if you remember. (Why in the world did I say that to her? Did I actually want her to remember that awkward conversation we had?)
Alix: Oh? Well I can’t really see you because we are on the phone.
Me: Oh yeah. (Did I think she would remember my voice or something? We can just label that MMNThree)
Alix: Well it was nice talking to you
Me: Ok well it was really cool to talk to you too. Thanks for getting on the phone and for being so cool with your fans. Maybe I will come up and see you. Are you going to perform…Hello? (She had hung up at the end of her last sentence, but I didn’t realize it).
Not only should I never meet my heroes, apparently I shouldn’t even talk to them on the phone.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Weekly Sports Fun
Its time to play everyone’s favorite game: Sports Idiot of the Week. This week’s contestants are Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers and JJ Redick, NBA hopeful and former guard for the Duke Blue Devils. It looked like Roethlisberger was a shoe-in for the award on Monday morning, but Redick made a valiant effort to trump him late Monday night. Let’s take a look at each case.
Monday morning Roethlisberger was hit by an oncoming car while riding his motorcycle. This is not what puts him in contention for the award. What made him look like the sure winner was the fact that last summer he went on record to say he would not wear a motorcycle helmet unless the state of Pennsylvania made him do so. Today he sits in the hospital with a fractured jaw, broken nose, a cut on the back of his head and several missing teeth. Ironically he only hurt the parts of his body which would have been covered by a helmet. (For the record, season-ending injuries from a motorcycle accident only happen if you play for a Cleveland football team. See: Kellen Winslow)
While it looked like Big Ben would have walked away with the award after having his remarks come back to haunt him, JJ Redick took it from his grasp. Redick, everyone’s All-American, found a way to out-do him. On Monday night he was charged with a DWI. This does not make him an idiot. What makes him an idiot is how he got caught (and if you know me at all, you know I have very little room to judge as far as stupid arrests go). Redick saw a police sobriety check-point and decided to do an illegal u-turn to avoid going through it. I have to wonder if the illegal u-turn to avoid a sobriety check-point has actually ever worked for anyone. He deserves credit for giving it the old college try by doing something else illegal to avoid the checkpoint. Surely this wouldn’t draw any more attention on him, would it? For this reason and for the simple fact he has taken publicity from the Duke lacrosse scandal, he takes home the award this week.
Tune in next week as we prepare for the NBA draft by chronicling all the failed drafts of your favorite Cleveland teams. Your hosts for the program will be Tim Couch and Trajon Langdon.
Monday morning Roethlisberger was hit by an oncoming car while riding his motorcycle. This is not what puts him in contention for the award. What made him look like the sure winner was the fact that last summer he went on record to say he would not wear a motorcycle helmet unless the state of Pennsylvania made him do so. Today he sits in the hospital with a fractured jaw, broken nose, a cut on the back of his head and several missing teeth. Ironically he only hurt the parts of his body which would have been covered by a helmet. (For the record, season-ending injuries from a motorcycle accident only happen if you play for a Cleveland football team. See: Kellen Winslow)
While it looked like Big Ben would have walked away with the award after having his remarks come back to haunt him, JJ Redick took it from his grasp. Redick, everyone’s All-American, found a way to out-do him. On Monday night he was charged with a DWI. This does not make him an idiot. What makes him an idiot is how he got caught (and if you know me at all, you know I have very little room to judge as far as stupid arrests go). Redick saw a police sobriety check-point and decided to do an illegal u-turn to avoid going through it. I have to wonder if the illegal u-turn to avoid a sobriety check-point has actually ever worked for anyone. He deserves credit for giving it the old college try by doing something else illegal to avoid the checkpoint. Surely this wouldn’t draw any more attention on him, would it? For this reason and for the simple fact he has taken publicity from the Duke lacrosse scandal, he takes home the award this week.
Tune in next week as we prepare for the NBA draft by chronicling all the failed drafts of your favorite Cleveland teams. Your hosts for the program will be Tim Couch and Trajon Langdon.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Genetics
People tell me all the time I look like my mother. I inherited her nose and her eyes. I also inherited her wit and smartass personality. There is one thing, however I got from my father which may top all of those traits. I grill like my dad.
When I say I grill like my dad, I don’t just mean the way the meat tastes, I am including all of my mannerisms as well. From the way I marinade the meat, to the way I keep walking into the house yelling “ten more minutes” (when I actually have no idea how long it will really be because I time the meat on whether or not I need another beer), to they way I clean my plate after I throw the meat on the grill, to the way I talk to myself while I am grilling, to the way I believe you can grill out no matter the weather (snowing, raining, sunny, hail storms, etc…), to the way I think beer and cigarettes are as crucial as the tongs, I am truly my father’s daughter.
I think this all hit me last night when I walked into my apartment and yelled “ten more minutes”. The weird part was that I was the only one home.
When I say I grill like my dad, I don’t just mean the way the meat tastes, I am including all of my mannerisms as well. From the way I marinade the meat, to the way I keep walking into the house yelling “ten more minutes” (when I actually have no idea how long it will really be because I time the meat on whether or not I need another beer), to they way I clean my plate after I throw the meat on the grill, to the way I talk to myself while I am grilling, to the way I believe you can grill out no matter the weather (snowing, raining, sunny, hail storms, etc…), to the way I think beer and cigarettes are as crucial as the tongs, I am truly my father’s daughter.
I think this all hit me last night when I walked into my apartment and yelled “ten more minutes”. The weird part was that I was the only one home.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up
I have a friend who is a lesbian carpet salesperson. While I could just stop there and the humor level would still be quite high, I must share some of her anecdotes.
We went out to dinner last night and I inquired about how her gender affects her job. I asked her if she ever gets weird looks when she goes to houses because they don’t expect a woman in her early thirties to be selling carpet. She told me people who have scheduled appointments for their home will literally hold their door, stare out their peephole and still ask her who she is and what she is doing at their house. These same people, the ones who actually scheduled the appointment to look at carpet samples, look at her like she must be going door-to-door for something else even though she is standing there dressed up holding carpet samples. She said it is almost like they are hoping for an older gross guy to come into their house and try to sell them carpet.
Fortunately for my friend, the gender bias seems to go both ways. She said she walked into a woman’s home and the woman turned to her and said: “Thank God you are a woman. I am going through a bad divorce and I am not in the mood to talk to a man right now.” For the record, she made the sale on that one.
We went out to dinner last night and I inquired about how her gender affects her job. I asked her if she ever gets weird looks when she goes to houses because they don’t expect a woman in her early thirties to be selling carpet. She told me people who have scheduled appointments for their home will literally hold their door, stare out their peephole and still ask her who she is and what she is doing at their house. These same people, the ones who actually scheduled the appointment to look at carpet samples, look at her like she must be going door-to-door for something else even though she is standing there dressed up holding carpet samples. She said it is almost like they are hoping for an older gross guy to come into their house and try to sell them carpet.
Fortunately for my friend, the gender bias seems to go both ways. She said she walked into a woman’s home and the woman turned to her and said: “Thank God you are a woman. I am going through a bad divorce and I am not in the mood to talk to a man right now.” For the record, she made the sale on that one.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
My Lucky Day
Do people really fall for these pop-up images? I decided to see what the asterisk actually meant and clicked on terms and conditions:
PinkLaptop4Free.com reserves the right, in its sole discretion, to change its Terms & Conditions at any time, for any reason, without notice. We also reserve the right, in our sole discretion, to change the methods through which free items are earned. This may include, but is not limited to, increasing the number of friends you have to refer or adding more steps to confirm that you have a legitimate account. We may also add or remove any product listed as an incentive at any time. If we replace a product, the new product may not be of equal value. Please check these Terms of Use periodically for changes. Your use of the Site following any such modification constitutes your agreement to follow and be bound by the Terms of Use as modified. The last date these Terms of Use were revised is set forth below. If you breach any of these Terms of Use your right to use this Site will terminate automatically.
Wouldn't it be great if we could all go by those terms and conditions: Things are subject to change at any time, for any reason, without notice.
Re-Route
For those of you checking my blog for the re-cap of Tim's party, I realized I could not top the synopsis that had already been sent out by my favorite event planner. If you are curious, you can get all the juicy details on Tim's blog. Pictured at Right (courtesy of Tim): Mindy and I during the festivities.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Sportygrrl In The Conservatory With The Lead Pipe
Perhaps you have heard of a little game called Clue by Parker Brothers. The popular game has been around for over 50 years, but I forgot just how fun it was until yesterday. On a late-evening board game hunt, Clue was picked up along with Life at the local K-Mart. The only problem is we need more people to play with us. Clue is a little rudimentary with only two people. I propose the Cleveland Clue Club (The New Tri-C). Anyone want to join us? What would be even better would be a game of Clue based on our fine city. I would like to make a guess: Frank Jackson at The Q with a rolled-up Plain Dealer.
*Make sure you utilize the secret passageway from University Circle to Tremont before heading back downtown to make your guess.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
RIP Memorial Day Weekend
I had an incredible Memorial Day Weekend and decided to take Tuesday off as well to make it a four-day weekend. The weekend was full of a lot of fun events and the chance to catch up with people I haven’t been able to hang out with in a while. I spent this past weekend playing poker, hanging out at the Open Air Market , relaxing at Lava Lounge , eating at Mekong River , enjoying a short stint at the Metroparks , exhausting myself at Dave and Busters and finishing the weekend at Geauga Lake . That’s right…my brother and I spent Tuesday at Geauga Lake, along with about 1000 high school students. We actually fit in with the high school students at one point when we considered buying one of those keychains with our picture together from the roller coaster. Thankfully we realized just how queer that would be, even at half off the regular price. We even made up for that fact on the next ride and sat a seat apart just to erase any doubt we weren’t that dorky. Good thing we stayed away from the air-brushed tee-shirts.
While waiting in line for what we both agreed was the best ride at the park, X-Flight , I remarked on how unbelievable it is that people would wait up to an hour on the weekends just to ride this roller coaster. It was at this point when I told Mark they should change the name of the ride to Prom Night for the simple fact that you pay a lot of money to wait a very long time for 30 seconds of exhilaration. He agreed.
While waiting in line for what we both agreed was the best ride at the park, X-Flight , I remarked on how unbelievable it is that people would wait up to an hour on the weekends just to ride this roller coaster. It was at this point when I told Mark they should change the name of the ride to Prom Night for the simple fact that you pay a lot of money to wait a very long time for 30 seconds of exhilaration. He agreed.
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