What Costs More?

It's time for a new game called: What costs more?

Let's start out with a simple one: one pound of turkey vs. two pounds of turkey at the deli. If you answered two pounds of turkey, you are correct.

How about this one: An oil change at Lube Stop or an oil change at Firestone. If you answered Firestone, you are correct.

Now the one I am currently working on: treating a spider bite or replacing the driver's side door on my car because as I was pulling out, I saw a spider, freaked out, opened my car door to get out, then realized I had to move my car out of the street (still freaking out thinking the spider is on me) and then slamming into the side of my house with my car door bending all the way back and cracking my door hinge off (you know that scene in Tommy Boy when the car door hits the gas tank...yeah it was like that) .

I will let you know the answer when I get my estimate, but I have a feeling it would have been more economical to just let the spider go.

The M stands for MORON

They say you should never meet your heroes. What this normally means is your perception of them can become diminished if they aren’t who you thought they would be. This rule also applies to me, but in the sense that I become a big moron and say stupid things, and something else about restraining orders but we don’t have to go into that part…ahem.

You always imagine how the encounter will go by envisioning what you will say or how you will act and then when the time comes, you totally flake out and become a bumbling neurotic moron. That is what happened to me on Saturday.

First a little background: Alix Olson is an incredible spoken-word artist. The first time I heard her perform, I could hardly move as I was mesmerized by her energy and her presence. I have driven far and wide to see her perform live, and three years ago I got the chance to actually meet her. Let’s call this encounter Moron moment number one (MMNO). MMNO occurred at a festival after she finished one of her performances. I went up to her like everyone else at that performance and told her the same thing everyone else before me had probably told her: “You are incredible thanks for inspiring me to write and express myself.” She thanked me and I probably should have walked away, but instead I froze up and just stood there with this blank look on my face. When I realized what had happened, I just ran away. Unfortunately the festival lasted two more days and I would walk by her and feel so stupid, hoping she would just forget about that very awkward and spastic conversation. Maybe she did, but I think I reminded her Saturday of that weird encounter.

On Saturday, I received a phone call from Maria. When I picked up, she told me somebody wanted to talk to me. Alix Olson got on the phone (I know...isn't that so cool!!) and the conversation went like this:
Alix: Michele?
Me: Yes? Who is this?
Alix: It’s Alix Olson.
Me: Really? Oh my god, I thought you were touring somewhere else this weekend.
Alix: No I am in Cleveland with Pam.
Me: Oh really because I could have sworn you were in California or something (Do you see how dumb I am? Why would I question her on her whereabouts when she is clearly in Cleveland, Ohio using Maria’s phone-let’s refer to this as Moron moment number two: MMNT)
Alix: No I am here and you should bring beer too.
Me: I am sorry… what did you just say?
Alix: Here. You should be here too. (Ok this is where I thought she said I should bring some beer, so I had to ask again because that didn’t make sense to me either. Good thing I got that clarified.)
Me: Oh ok
Alix: Well it was nice talking to you
Me: Actually we met before. I don't know if you remember. (Why in the world did I say that to her? Did I actually want her to remember that awkward conversation we had?)
Alix: Oh? Well I can’t really see you because we are on the phone.
Me: Oh yeah. (Did I think she would remember my voice or something? We can just label that MMNThree)
Alix: Well it was nice talking to you
Me: Ok well it was really cool to talk to you too. Thanks for getting on the phone and for being so cool with your fans. Maybe I will come up and see you. Are you going to perform…Hello? (She had hung up at the end of her last sentence, but I didn’t realize it).

Not only should I never meet my heroes, apparently I shouldn’t even talk to them on the phone.

Tell Me I Am Not The Only One

I hope I am not the only moron who has stopped somebody to tell them they have a smudge on their forehead today. I always forget about Ash Wednesday. For those of you keeping score at home, I think my last two entries illustrate how hard Lent is for me to comprehend.

A New Product On The Market

As I was watching television last night, I saw that Downey fabric softener has come out with a new line that smells like Fabreeze. I laughed out loud. If you know me at all, you know why I laughed out loud. If you don’t know how dumb I can be, let me tell you a little story.

Last year I was washing my clothes when my brother came running down the stairs and looked at my bottle of fabric softener and started laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he proceeded to tell me how one of his fraternity brothers used Downey to wash his clothes when they were in college. I didn’t get the joke. I said: I don’t get it, that is all I use on my clothes. He lost it and ran upstairs to tell my parents I only use fabric softener to wash my clothes. I told them I have been using it for the past six months because it is cheaper than the other brands. Nobody knew what to say, so they all just laughed. Apparently fabric softener is a supplement to laundry detergent and should never ever be used as laundry detergent. Mindy put it best when she said, “In essence you have been fabreezing your clothes for the last six months.”

I guess I should have realized why my clothes had those weird blue marks on them, yet no stains ever really came out. The one good thing was that my clothes had never been softer or smelled better than they did for those six months. I can only imagine how good they would have smelled if I would have used the new Downey Fabreeze.

I Won't Lie

It was me. I was the one walking across the street this morning who tripped right in the middle of the intersection. I tried to play it off but there is no way to be cool when you land right in front of a bus stop. So if you saw me, I won’t deny it. Perhaps the best part would be the look on my face as I was going down: complete disbelief. As much as it hurt (mostly my pride), I would love to see it on film, so I might have to check with the city to see if they caught it on the crosswalk cameras.

It's Official

It’s officially Fall and to commemorate the new season, I fell twice this week. My first trip was at Edgewater Park in front of this large family trying to pass me on the sidewalk. I went down and I went down hard. They seemed concerned but they kept moving. The person I was with tried to look concerned but she couldn’t stop laughing. Last night I went down again. Right off my barstool when my companion jokingly gave me a push. Again I went down and even harder this time. This time people actually rushed to make sure I was okay and not foaming at the mouth after hitting my head twice on the way down. I am fine, but I do have a nice knot on my head this morning. This is a rough season.

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Down and Out at the Dollar Store

I hit a new low yesterday at Dollar USA. I am poor, even more so than I usually am which is pretty sad. When you are poor, what do you do? You drive to your parents house and give them your sad story so they will take you to places like Dollar USA in Bainbridge, Ohio.

To me the dollar store is intriguing because everything is one dollar. Making this even better last night was that Seasons in the Sun was playing on the radio. The whole thing was surreal as I walked around picking out extension cords and hangers singing the lyrics to this song. As we headed to the cashier, a look of horror ran across my face when I saw that somebody from high school was working as a cashier. Here I am an almost 30-year old able-bodied human being and then here is my mom saying: “Okay put your stuff up there on the counter so I can pay for it.” In my head, these thoughts were passing through: Please don’t recognize me. Please don’t realize my mom has to buy me a noodle strainer and hangers at the age of 30. Please don’t look up and notice I was the one who beat you out for that shortstop position 12 years ago. Just keep moving the line and don’t look up because I think that would be so awkward.

She never looked up or at least she didn’t let on that she looked up or noticed me. In general running into this girl would be awkward. Running into her while my mom is buying me $8 worth of stuff for my new apartment, was really awkward for me. Maybe I am just a big snob but yesterday was one of those low moments I would like to forget. Someday when I am where I want to be, I will look back and remember this moment as one of those moments of inspiration. Thanks for the stuff Mom!

An Actual Conversation Involving TWO Women

Woman 1: I had to go to Kaufmans today to get a camisole for my upcoming show. I saw they had camisoles and shoes on sale, so I decided to stop in and grab one.

Woman 2: Really? They had camisoles on sale?

Woman 1: Yes they even advertised it on the radio.

Woman 2: The radio? Thats funny I have never seen or heard an advertisement for camisoles? Camisoles are those umbrella things, right?

Woman 1: (Mildly Uncontrollable Laughter) No thats a parasol. A camisole is like a tank-top--They are all the rage these days. You are so butch. I can't believe you didn't know what a camisole is.

Woman 2: No wonder I couldn't believe Kaufman's was having a sale on those things.

(In case you were wondering, in this scene Woman 1 was played by Mindy and Woman 2 was played by yours truly. This is a true and rather embarrassing story which took place two days ago.)