Growing Up Lieberth

Since I last posted to this blog, I have been enlightened in several different ways and I feel a whole lot smarter because of it. Let’s review…

Last Thursday I was part of a pilgrimage to Wayne State University to see Soul Latina. The article from the student newspaper describes it a lot better than I ever could, but I want to say it opened my eyes up to a lot of things I have never experienced. Let this also serve as a shameless plug for my girlfriend who is incredibly talented and proved it by writing one of the monologues on this national tour.

Speaking of things I have never experienced, on Friday I helped Maria take her braids out. It was enlightening to say the least. I spent most of the next evening explaining the process to my brother Mark who found it equally as amazing. There are just so many things you don’t experience growing up Lieberth*, which serves as a euphemism for white with a European heritage.

However the most important thing I learned over the past week had to be that no matter how much time you spend on your brackets, you are most likely going to lose. This is exactly what happened to me this year. Not that it would have really mattered because if you actually have all four of these teams in your Final Four, and your aren’t an alum of George Mason, than you are most likely a freak of nature and I don’t feel so bad.

I guess I just collapsed under the pressure of winning my bracket last year and trying to defend my crown. Oh well, at least I am smarter in other ways now. Life isn’t all about sports, right? I guess that would be the one thing you would experience growing up Lieberth*.

*Also used as an adjective by Mindy to describe weird and sporty behavior, such as "You are going to go to the game and act all Lieberth, aren't you?"

Back From Vacation

I am officially back to work from my vacation and what a vacation it was. Without ever leaving the city limits, I had a fantastic five-day weekend. Most of my time was spent watching basketball, but I was able to find some time in between to spend St. Patricks Day with family and friends at the Fulton and Bounce, go bowling with some crazy kids on Saturday and catch up with my parents on Sunday at the Old Angle.

It really is my favorite sports weekend of the year. How can you beat 48 games in four days? My brother asked me if I caught some of the games when I picked him up from the airport on Monday and I answered: “I think I watched somewhere around 44 games.” How I missed the other four games is beyond me. By the way, and I know this doesn’t really count because I have three different brackets, but I did pick Wichita State to beat George Mason in the Sweet 16 this weekend in one of my brackets. The over/under on that happening had to be about one percent, so I was feeling a little smug Sunday night, which also happened to be the night Tim introduced us to the buffet at Cocktails, so it might have been hard to tell why I was smiling.

All in all my vacation can be summed up in three words: velcro bowling shoes (pictured and worn by Maria Saturday night).

One Year Anniversary

Last night Karen, Alison and I celebrated our anniversary. I met them the Tuesday before the tournament last year and my life was forever changed when we started talking brackets and job positions. We found out we should have met on several different occasions but for whatever reason we met that night and I ended up winning $325 and two incredible friends!

Karen remarked on how it has been one crazy year together and that is a small understatement. As I look back over my blog, I see them everywhere and I realize how important their friendship has been to me. Without really knowing me, they helped me through a really rough part of my life and now I can’t help but laugh when I look back on the last year and think of: trespassing air hockey games, moving fiascos, impromptu dance parties, Journey, karaoke, long walks back from Corky’s, happy hours at Cronies, birthday parties, Halloween parties, the Literary, housewarming parties, holiday parties with huge fish and frog wine openers, listening to music and laughing in their backyard, wrestling around bonfires, Browns game adventures, New Year’s fun and so many more memories that will last a lifetime.

If the two of you are reading this, I don’t know if I can express enough how incredible it is to have people like you in my life. Every time I have needed your support, you have given it unconditionally and I just don’t know what I would have done without you this past year. I have actually thought about writing this on a couple of different occasions but it seems the most appropriate this morning after we spent last evening filling out brackets and laughing.

March Madness

This is how I am going to look for the next three days until I turn in all my brackets. I will be trying to figure out how George Washington was seeded so low and if they actually have a chance to beat Duke. Of course in my other bracket I have UNC-Wilmington beating GW. This is why it is always good to be in at least three or four different groups. In one you might look like an idiot but in the other you might look like a hoops genius. Looking forward to my two favorite days in sports: this Thursday and Friday with 12 hours of basketball action. And my boss thought I took these days off for St. Patrick's Day.

Red State. Blue Voter. I Tried.

Top Story From msnbc.com

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11759590/

Is anybody really surprised by this article? I remember Election Night 2004 and it still haunts me a little bit people didn’t see this coming. On this particular evening I found myself in the flats surrounded by a bunch of Republicans. It was scary but I felt cocky that evening. I felt sure of the election results so in a small way I wanted to be there. I wanted to see the look on their faces as the results flashed across the television. In the end though, I was the one who had to run out of the building. It was almost surreal to see people my age cheer for Bush after he won Florida. I looked around and felt like I saw my generation cheering against my own generation. I couldn’t believe it. I went home and sat glued in front of my television hoping against hope that it was all a big mistake. Surely Ohio would prevail as a blue state. It didn’t happen and today I look around and wonder how many of those people would have changed their votes if only they had known then what seemed so obvious to many of us.

I hate to say it but I feel if 9/11 would never have happened, Bush would not have won a second term. That day put so much fear into this country. Fear makes people do irrational things. His political life was saved that day and since then, so many lives have been lost. Perhaps his quote from August 2004 sums it up best:

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither do we.”

How To Turn Me Into A Girly Girl

Sitting on my desk is this lovely arrangement of flowers. They were delivered to me today at work. Did you catch that last part? I got flowers delivered to me at my job. I never understood what the big deal was until today. I became the girliest girl ever when I started smelling them and touching them and walking them by everyone. The best part, however was who they were from. I am still smiling hours after the fact.

V for Vindication

Damon Jones was brought up on sexual assault charges earlier this week. Is anyone surprised? The back-up point guard for the CAVS is one of the cockiest men I have ever seen in sports. Unfortunately it is very easy for me to see him taking advantage of somebody who has less power than he does. Here is a man who claims he is the best shooter in the world; who turned on the fans of Cleveland before the All-Star break of his first season here and who uses the media and his coach against one another whenever it seems appropriate for him to do so. When these charges were released, he had one thing to say: “I will be vindicated.” Vindicated? Could he be a bigger martyr?

When I asked my co-worker Bill if he had heard about the charges, his remark was: “Sadly it isn’t surprising.” This just illustrates how low this man has fallen. When people aren’t surprised you have been brought up on sexual assault charges with no prior record, you apparently have much larger issues you may want to work on. If the charges are dropped, he needs to realize he is not above anyone or the law. Only then Mr. Jones will you deserve some sort of vindication.

Feel Free To Add A Caption...

Went bowling Sunday and took some pics with the always useful camera phone. My initial reaction was to get rid of this picture because it is so unflattering (and also because it is evidence that I broke our lane.) However, it sure does open the window to some fun captions. I will add two and if anyone else wants to, go ahead...

1. I don't know why I would get mad at my girlfriend for saying I have some Chris Farley attributes. Apparently she saw something I didn't.

2. I told you I have spent time in the gutter.

Just When I Thought My People Wouldn’t Make Me Look Like A Big Freaking Moron

On Sunday my girlfriend and I decided to make use of my Entertainment Book by going to get dinner at Klucks. (Those of you in the Kent and Bainbridge area should imagine a more vintage version of Henry Wehners. For those of you unfamiliar with it in Cleveland, you have most likely passed it a million times without realizing it because it’s located right on West 117th and Detroit.) I had been craving seafood and I have always been intrigued by this weird non-descript building, so I thought we could give it a chance. Though Maria was a little hesitant about getting seafood at a German restaurant named Klucks.

Once inside, it is hard to say what you might notice first. The unusual amount of mounted fish initially caught my eye, but the tacky nautical decorations, the big picture of Jesus above the front door and the amount of people taking advantage of the Early Bird Specials of schnitzel and fried shrimp are also hard to miss. As we walked in I guess you could say we stuck out as much as the mounted fish on the wall. I am going to go out on a limb and say this restaurant does not see a lot of interracial couples. Yet there we were as I was trying to show her how people of Eastern European descent eat their meals (in several courses with lots of bread) and she was trying not to notice she was the only black person who had probably ever eaten there.

Things actually went fairly well throughout the meal. The food was good, though smaller portions than what you might get at a similar restaurant, and our waitress was incredibly friendly. She seemed grateful to be serving people younger than 55. At one point I may have seen her mouth the words “help me” as if she was trapped in a scary movie, but that might have just been my imagination. Maria even made a joke about having my 31st birthday party at this joint. (It’s never too early to start planning a birthday party around schnitzel.) As you can see, the dinner seemed to be a success.

My people seemed to be behaving themselves. Nobody stared for longer than a minute and everyone seemed to be minding their own business. As we were finishing up, I noticed an older gentleman approaching us with a pamphlet in his hand. As I saw him skipping every other table of people and heading straight for us, I felt my heart drop. I may have even said a small prayer before he laid his playbill from the theatre down in front of us. He never took his eyes off of Maria as he said, “I don’t know if you have seen this play showing at the Cleveland Play House but I think you would really enjoy it. It is reminiscent of Rosa Parks but the woman in this play is from New York.” We were so close to leaving unscathed. He asked her to read over the program and then return it to him before we left. This was followed by the following quote: “I noticed your gypsy earrings when I walked in.” We kicked each other under the table as every word came out of his mouth.

We returned the program to this gentleman and he proceeded to give us his business card and phone number. Apparently he works for a large non-profit and considers himself an ambassador for Rosa Parks. For some reason, this made the whole thing that much worse. As we left, we noticed his wife must have been in the bathroom while this incident was taking place because there was a drink sitting in front of another chair. I made the remark that when she came back, she jokingly said something along the lines of: “you didn’t do anything stupid or embarrassing while I was gone, did you?”

This gentleman reminded me of a man my mother and I ran into last year at this time. Maybe it is the weather. Mom if you are reading this, it was a very similar feeling as our experience in the Chagrin Valley Little Theatre. Just that look of disbelief you can’t get off your face while you wonder if you are on candid camera.

Page 39

I have referenced page 39 of the Free Times 50 times in the past 24 hours. The reason? It is on that page where it was officially revealed The Fulton is going to close at the end of this month. I wish I could say it is all just a bad dream but it’s true. I am about to lose one of my favorite watering holes (I can only imagine how Mindy feels about this…).

Last night in honor of it’s last month, Tim, Liz and I went up to The Fulton and started swapping memories. I have only been going to The Fulton for the past three years but in that short time, there are so many funny adventures that either began there or ended there for myself and my friends.

My favorite story about The Fulton is from before I even really knew what it was. When I lived on the east side, I knew very little about Cleveland and the near west side. I was a typical suburbanite. When I wanted to find Mindy I usually got lost going to her house in that crazy Ohio City neighborhood. I would stop and ask for directions, but instead of asking where her street was, I would ask: “How do you get to the Fulton?” More times than not, if I needed Mindy, I knew I would find her there. She turned me on to this incredible bar and it is actually one of the reasons I chose to stay in Ohio City this summer. My criteria when looking for apartments was: close to downtown and friends and able to walk home from the Fulton.

We questioned our wait staff last night. Hell we even questioned the wait staff at the Flying Fig about it. Apparently everyone involved in the sale is happy with the decision. For a moment this made me feel better. But just for a moment.

Tell Me I Am Not The Only One

I hope I am not the only moron who has stopped somebody to tell them they have a smudge on their forehead today. I always forget about Ash Wednesday. For those of you keeping score at home, I think my last two entries illustrate how hard Lent is for me to comprehend.

Wouldn't It Make More Sense If...

...Fat Tuesday fell on a Friday and Good Friday fell on a Tuesday? Wonder who I could talk to about changing this.

Bet You Got Tired Of Looking At My Valentine’s Day Dinner Picture

Yes, I know it has been too long. It has been almost two weeks since my last blog entry. I am alive and well. Very well as a matter of fact. Again I have to go with the theory that the more blog-worthy things happening in your life, the less likely you are to write in your blog. As I said to Mindy, it is hard to find a point in the past two weeks to focus on when everything has been so good for me. She then replied: “especially when two weeks for you equal the life experience of 3 months for most people!”

The past 14 days have included the following in no particular order: a great evening of theatre at CPT, two evenings of vagina monologues at The Grid, which means I have most likely reached my quota for the next couple years (mixed reviews on the show, though the Angry Vagina definitely stole the spotlight both evenings), tacos, margaritas, martinis, karaoke that rocked a whole bar, an evening at the Lava Lounge, a bedroom dance party with friends reminiscent of college, my role of corset fastener (which may be one of my favorite roles of all-time), brunch with my brother, a late-night rendition of 80’s love ballads belted out before falling asleep and much overdue time spent with Tim. All of these moments were spent with my girl who makes me feel like I am the only person in the room even when we are surrounded by a bunch of people. This in turn makes all of these moments so much better. Like I said before, things are good right now. Very, very good. I promise to check in more often. At least now you don’t have to look at that Beef Florentine picture anymore.

All I Want For Valentines Day Is A New Oven

Had a great Valentine's Day but it would have been better if I didn't have an oven circa 1972. I decided to put a fun meal together consisting of beef florentine, stuffed mushrooms, rice pilaf and green beans with almonds (pictured), however the meat turned out to be tougher than expected. This would be due to the fact that 200-350 degrees on my oven is pretty much the same temperature so it is hard to gauge meat tenderness. For now on, I am only going to eat meat I can throw on my grill, whether it is supposed to be cooked that way or not.

The Year In Review

On Tuesday my blog celebrated one year of existence which made me realize why I really have this thing in the first place. This blog has allowed me to go back and laugh at myself this year. And what a year it has been.

From my first entry, my love of LeBron, meeting a pro football player, my favorite burger, finding my religion, swimming in public, basketball winnings, funny memories with my mom, finding my apartment, shopping with my sister, reflecting on friendships, my new job, spending time in the suburbs, Fall evenings out with friends, my 30th birthday, enlightening moments, my Thanksgiving fall, Christmas, maid of honor duties, the wedding and a fun-filled first weekend of the new year, including a confetti-filled New Year's Eve.

It has been a great twelve months. Thanks for sharing these moments with me, either in person or through my blog.

Irony

Seems the more blogworthy things that happen in my life lately, the less I update my blog. The past two weeks have been filled with birthday goodness for friends (Chrissy and Shannon at Chrissy’s 1976 birthday party pictured), happy hours, a lot of laughs, a reunion with the Old Angle and Tim (also pictured), my first romantic Super Bowl (something had to liven that game up), finding out I am the only person who “pops and locks” from only the waist up and an incredible brunch with the ladies from Hard Hatted Women. Ever since I won Pitfall three weeks ago, things have really fallen into place in my life. Coincidence? I think not.

Dinner At The Annex

Who says the Annex can't be classy? Sure our dinner might be a box of hot dogs but at least we still have wine with dinner.

Wedding Pictures

Be sure to check out some pictures from the wedding on Mindy's Blog: http://www.mindychildress.com/blog/

This Wedding Weekend Brought To You By Cher, LeBron and Flava Flav

Mindy's bachelorette party, the most fun I have ever had at a wedding/reception, an incredible breakfast at the Ritz and Flava Fla. These are just a few of the highlights from one of the best weekends I have had in my life.

Against most people's better judgment, we had the bachelorette party the night before the wedding. Even though it is probably a really bad idea to do this, we managed to pull it off (thankfully the wedding wasn't until four the next day). It was just one of those crazy nights where you xxxxxxxxxx but then you decide to xxxxxxxxxx so by the end of the night you find yourself examining your clothes in a room lit only by black lights and a cage, but I think we all knew it would end like that.

Raring to go, I actually woke up the next morning like a little kid on Christmas. I couldn't wait to share my best friend's big day with her. Nothing like the bride and maid of honor doing a little chest bump and high five action ten minutes before the ceremony. Without stealing Mindy's blog thunder, I would just like to say I will never have a better time with pina coladas and schnitzel. LeBron couldn't have picked a more appropriate night to score 51. It was like he added the perfect ending to a fairy tale wedding. I am sure Mindy would agree.

I joined a great group of people on Sunday to cap off the wedding festivities with an incredible brunch at the Ritz. Probably the first and only time I will ever be able to do that (Thank You Brent!). The rest of the day was spent in front of the television watching football and sharing my cable with those less fortunate (yeah riiiiight). Flava Flav did not disappoint. That’s right I am addicted to the new Flava Flav show on VH1. He has his own reality bacheloresque show. I recommend this to anyone without anything better to do on Sundays at 10 pm.

A last word on the wedding. It really was the most incredible thing I have ever been a part of in my life. Even though my arms started to hurt as I held both bouquets during the ceremony, I still managed to tear up as I saw how happy my best friend was on her big day. It must have been the dress and shoulder wrap that made me feel so girly. However I later used the wrap to do Cher impersonations at the reception and make inappropriate gestures in the parking lot, so I guess you can clean me up but apparently you still can't take me anywhere.

Fun Wedding Picture

The Censored Nutshell

This is the fourth time I have tried to start a blog entry this week. The past ten days have been a whirlwind with so many interesting anecdotes to share. However I have been incredibly busy at work and sitting down to take the time and reflect has been almost impossible. I have to censor some of what has been going on the past ten days or so as to not offend anyone such as parents, close friends, acquaintances or anybody else who reads this blog on a regular basis.

Two weekends ago was Mark’s first official weekend in the big city. We made the most of it on Saturday night by sitting behind the Milwaukee Bucks bench with our upgraded seats at the CAVS game. After the game we xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and the next thing I know we are walking home across the Detroit/Superior bridge Sunday morning.

That weekend served as a springboard into a fun week of unplanned festivities, which included my brother and I bonding at Target and fun late-night phone calls from Meg in Chicago with CAVS updates, whether I wanted them or not. On Wednesday my water went out at my apartment (thankfully it wasn’t my fault) and a friend let me stay at her apartment while she was out of town. Unfortunately she doesn’t have a television because xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx so I had to find something to do to keep myself entertained. I realized that evening it is no small coincidence Richard Dean Anderson who played TV’s MacGyver and I went to the same college (for those of you at home who don’t know: we both went to Ohio University). I now consider myself the MacGyver of the kitchen as I made a fun chicken dish with what was available to me. It’s amazing what you can do with a little curry paste and a spice rack.

Friday I thought I was going to stay in and just relax but I ended up meeting Mindy at Ohio City’s best Happy Hour. Once home I was feeling restless, so I xxxxxxxxxxxxxx and now there is this crazy hole in my ceiling which is going to be impossible to explain. The weekend was filled with a lot of poker, an incredibly fun wedding shower (how often do you hear that?), football with my brother, a fun party in Lakewood followed by an intriguing after hours and chocolate mint martinis. Monday I celebrated the holiday in style by xxxxxxxxxxxxxx and I am still shaking my head at that one.

I don’t know if it is just coincidental or not but ever since Mark has moved in downstairs things have been pretty constant. It has been so much fun though having my best friend right down stairs to drink beers with and watch sports with anytime. Not only do I have cable on-demand it is like I also have drinking buddy and sports fan on-demand as well. Life is good and not just because of the funny pact I made with Mindy Friday night which entailed me xxxxxxxxxxxxx for a couple weeks. I will keep you updated.

Pictures From New Years

The pictures from the Literary Cafe where I spent New Years are now available. What an incredible time we all had. The owners, who are just the nicest people, provided food for everyone, champagne, party favors and a DJ at no cost to anyone at the establishment. You can tell by the pictures everyone had a great time. I am only in the background of a couple shots (the limbo pictures), but as always there are some great pictures of Alison and Karen.

Maybe I Am Taking My New Role A Bit Too Far

“So who you cheering for tonight? USC?”

“No Texas. I have to cheer for Texas because they beat Ohio State. It will make Ohio State look better.”

“Oh I didn’t know that rule.”

“This is why I am your maid of honor. To teach you these things.”

Just Your Typical Night Of River Raid Until Three In The Morning

Last night I might have seen the most incredible national championship game of my lifetime. Normally this would be the best part of my evening. However the game was overshadowed by my new Christmas present from one of my best friends. Last night Liz came over and brought me the new Atari game system. The game system is almost half the size of the original and has 40 games (with all the original graphics) in the memory. After the game we debated about setting it up, but couldn’t help ourselves. This morning I am feeling the effects of staying up that late with my new toy, but it was worth it to get to play River Raid and Pitfall. I had no idea how much I missed those crazy sound effects from 1982.

The Investment

I mentioned yesterday my brother moved in downstairs to create the Camp Lieberth Annex (both the Annex and Camp Lieberth are terms coined by M. Childress) and now we have a whole house to ourselves, except, and this is the best part, we don’t share anything. He has his place and I have mine. I shouldn’t say we don’t share anything. Last night we shared the following conversation:
“If this game goes into a fourth overtime, I am going to bed.”

“Are you nuts man? You just invested five hours into this game and you are going to go to bed if it goes into another overtime. I am staying up if I have to put toothpicks in my eyes. There is no way I can go to bed now.”

What was supposed to be a buffer game between the Fiesta Bowl and the Rose Bowl turned out to be an incredible game when Penn State beat Florida State in the third overtime of the Orange Bowl last night/this morning. I must admit I am extremely excited for the Rose Bowl tonight. I am going with Texas in the upset. I think they are getting six points. Now that my brother is living below me and watching games with me, I have become very fixated on the point spreads. He has taught me a lot about how you don’t have to cheer for a team to win but to just not lose by more than nine points in the case of Florida State last night. Yes, the Annex is an intellectual hotbed.

In A Nutshell

The past three days have been a whirlwind which can only be described as:
Going out way too late Friday night, The CAVS winning a big one, my brother moving below me to create the Camp Lieberth Annex in Ohio City, the quintessential New Year’s celebration with all the fixings, a Browns win to finish the season, a New Year’s meal fit for royalty, a late night drive for Christmas Ale, the purchase of my dress for the big wedding, seeing Brokeback Mountain which is oscar-worthy on so many levels, more fantasy football winnings and a big Fiesta win for the Buckeyes. It was such a fabulous weekend. I didn’t want to see it end. I hope everyone had a Happy New Year!

I May Be The Only Person You Will Ever Meet That...

spent their Fantasy Football winnings on a maid of honor dress.

The Best

This past Christmas was hands down the best Christmas I have ever had. Christmas morning was so much fun with my family and my gifts were more than I could have ever imagined. I can’t thank my parents enough for the time and effort they put into making it such an incredible day. Thanks!

Not only did I get more than I expected on Christmas morning, somehow my dad and I pulled out the Fantasy Football Championship on Christmas Night. In a game we didn’t think we had a shot at going into this weekend, we won by eight points thanks to Thomas Jones who will now always be my favorite football player. Down by 13 points with one player left, Jones had to run for 100 yards and score a touchdown for us. He finished the game with 105 yards and a touchdown. Jubilation ensued throughout the house as my father and I popped the bubbly to celebrate.

I must admit this hasn’t been my luckiest year personally, but when it comes to sports I am on a roll. I won both my NCAA bracket and my fantasy football league. How many 30-year-old women can boast of that achievement?

Happy Holidays

To everyone who reads my blog, Happy Holidays! Remember the Holidays should not be a time for stress. Look at me, I haven’t even started my Christmas shopping yet and I have less than 48 hours. The vicodin I got for my foot last week has really been a nice help both with the pain and with the stress.

The Big Ticket

As many of you know, my fantasy football team is in the playoffs. This makes for a very exciting weekend of action especially with so many great games on this past weekend. My father, brother and I were all excited to see what game CBS would be airing on Sunday, knowing there were some good options and we would have our 1 pm slot open for once because the Browns weren’t on until 4 pm. Upon waking on Sunday my father informed me as I informed my brother when he woke that CBS would be showing the San Francisco/Jacksonville game. The look of devastation appeared on all of our faces. For those of you not familiar with football, watching this game compared to our other options would be like ordering a burger when you can get a steak for the same price.

So we searched high and low for whatever bar or restaurant in the area might have the Sunday NFL ticket because for whatever reason Adelphia doesn’t offer it at my parent’s house. (Yet you can get the hockey package which makes absolutely no sense!) After calling around and then driving around, we ended up at the Winking Lizard on Miles Road along with 100 other people who seemed distraught by CBS’s selection. Wow!

There we were watching all the games, on 10 televisions right in front of us, right at the same time. What could be better? I will never be able to watch a regular game again. I am that spoiled.

Have A Righteous Christmas

Why do all the cool catalogs arrive at my door on December 20, just five days before Christmas? This just doesn’t seem fair. Last night I got my Righteous Babe Records catalog and there are so many cool things I want for Christmas. I understand I do not need these things, but I certainly do want them. It is ironic because I have had Ani lyrics running through my head the past couple days from Dilate:

So I’ll walk the plank
And I’ll jump with a smile
If I’m gonna go down
I’m gonna to do it in style
And you won’t see me surrender
You won’t hear me confess
Because you’ve left me with nothing
But I’ve worked with less

Such a fine holiday jingle for this time of year.

Is There A Podiatrist In The House?

Remember that fall I took three weeks ago to celebrate Thanksgiving weekend?Apparently some injuries decided to wait before materializing. Last week my right foot began to swell up and throb with pain. I had no idea what was happening. I made an appointment with a podiatrist and found out today the ramifications from that fall were a lot worse then originally suspected.

Before I let you know what happened, I have to share the irony of the doctor I chose. When I made my appointment through my insurance company earlier this week they told me the name of the doctor. She just happened to be the one who threw that crazy party two weeks ago. However because she was already passed out when I got there, she never saw me and didn’t recognize me this morning. When she was telling me about her house today, I so wanted to say: “Yeah I know I was there dancing with some crazy black men two weeks ago smoking in your kitchen and drinking your top shelf liquor.” Instead, I just sat there without saying anything.

As for my foot, I have Plantar Fascitis, Peroneal Tendonitis and Capsulitis. In essence my ligaments and tendons are all messed up. I now have to spend the next six weeks wearing a brace and going to physical therapy. I should sue the owners of that house where I fell. On second thought, Christmas is coming up and I should probably not bring any lawsuits against my parents.

Hope You Were Hungry Enough To Eat Those Words

Last week my father received an e-mail from our closest competition in our fantasy football league. The e-mail congratulated my father on a great season and went on to say how the two oldest guys in the league were beating all the younger guys. My dad thanked him for the e-mail and told him the following: My daughter is the brains of our team. He replied back with the following: Tell your daughter to stay in the kitchen where she belongs next week.

Next week has come and gone and we defeated this gentleman handedly this past weekend to take the overall points lead into the playoffs next week. So now I must ask him: Who belongs in the kitchen now?

All The Sudden, I Love Commercials

On Sunday, I stopped in my tracks and couldn't stop staring at my television screen. Could it really be possible? Four different versions of LeBron? Check it out for yourself if you haven't seen it by clicking on the above link.

Operation Bridesmaid Dress

When I send Mindy a text message saying: "All shaved up and ready to go!" it can only mean one thing: we are about to go dress shopping. While no dress was purchased on Saturday, there was a lot of progress made with styles and colors. Hopefully the next time out will not be quite as painful. Perhaps painful is too harsh a word. Awkward would best describe my shopping experience on Saturday. It was like whole a new world out there in the dress department.

Some quick notes from the experience:
When asked for your dress size, 36/30 is not the correct response.

The holiday help working for a very small commission is crazy. Apparently she didn’t realize it took twenty minutes for me to get in and out of these things and she kept coming back to see how things were going.

The husbands felt for me. As Mindy came back to see how things were going, I jokingly said: “I hope you realize I am missing the Texas/Duke game for this.” When they heard this, they also seemed to realize they were missing the same game. However when they looked up at me and saw me in whatever dress I was in, they seemed to be saying to themselves: We may be missing the game as well but at least we aren’t in there trying on dresses.

Another interesting note is that a 14W is going to fit you the same as a 22P. This confused me even more.

After an hour, we were ready for a drink.

I also found out, you are not only shopping for a dress because in order to complete the ensemble, you must also have new shoes and perhaps even some jewelry.

This is going to be a long five weeks.

Good Show, Great Bathroom

The Gwen Stefani concert last night was a lot of fun and even better than I thought it would be. She played all her hits and probably had ten different costume changes with a great light show and a fun dancing troupe following her around the stage. The crowd had a lot of teenagers but thankfully I didn’t have to interact with any of them as the loge I was sitting in was adult only. While I enjoyed the show immensely, the best part had to be the bathroom.

If you have spent a night drinking with me, you know I tend to go to the bathroom a lot. Some of my friends even call me “TB” short for Tiny Bladder. Because of this issue, sometimes it is a pain to go to large events and venues if I am drinking beer because of the lines. This was not the case last night. Our tickets were loge tickets so we shared a clean bathroom located right by the bar which was conveniently located right behind our seats. No lines and the bathrooms were clean. I was in and out of there in no time and I actually got to enjoy the show. This was probably the most time I have actually spent in my seat at a concert or sporting event in years because I didn’t have to wait in line.

I think my opinion of the show is a little biased because I had such a great experience in the loge. When people ask me about the performance, they look at me weird when I first talk about the bathrooms instead of the costume changes and set list.

First Time

We all remember our first time for those monumental events in our life. Our first day of school, first kiss, first job and so on. One of those monumental events in my life was the first time I heard Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani.

I will never forget that night back in March when a Drag Queen at Bounce ran onto the stage in a cheerleading outfit to the craziest song I had ever heard. Everybody went crazy and I had no choice but to start singing along myself. Before I knew it, I was sitting in my car at numerous stoplights spelling out the word bananas.

Tonight I will get to see that song performed live and I couldn’t be more excited. Two months ago I read a review of one of her shows by Dooce, my favorite blogger. The description alone has enticed me enough to want to see this for my own eyes:
“Her set was nothing short of brilliant, full of lights and costume changes and displays of superhuman energy. She had a few shaky vocal moments, but she was singing and running at the same time.”

The past two months I have been begging people at radio stations for tickets and telling my friends if they get tickets, that I would love to go. Yesterday my boss walks in and hands me free tickets in a loge. I can't wait! Look for my own review in tomorrow's blog.

They Don’t Call It Maid Of Honor For Nothing

Many of you know my best friend is getting married next month. What you may not know is that I am the maid of honor and all the bridesmaids rolled into one as both my friends will only have one attendant. I can pretty much guarantee this will probably be my first and only time as a maid of honor and I am both honored and a little scared.

The honor part is obvious. Mindy is my best friend and we have been through everything together over the past ten years. When she asked me to do this (actually I think she told me I was doing it but that is neither here nor there), I looked at her like a deer in headlights. Maid of honor is definitely not one of those roles I ever imagined myself in one day. I have now realized what an incredible experience this will be. It is one of those things I would like to someday put on my resume. I imagine future conversations would go something like this: “I look familiar? Perhaps you have seen some of my work as Mindy’s Maid of Honor back in ’06?”

The maid part has also become obvious. The engagement party is the least of my worries as there are apparently many duties the day of the event. I have been informed I will be holding flowers, both mine and hers and I will also be pulling up a bustle to the train of a dress. Before last night I didn’t even know what a bustle was and now I will be attaching one. This position has become very educational for me as you can see. I will also be wearing a dress of my own for the event. For those of you who don’t know me very well, I haven’t worn a dress since my high school prom so this should be quite a sight. She did promise me I wouldn’t look like a complete moron. However, I think I should break the news to her that I will look like a moron in any dress she chooses.

Mindy thanks for choosing me to be your maid of honor. I know in some cultures (like Cleveland’s east suburbs) women fight to their death for this position. I also want you to know I would not put a dress on for just anyone.

Say It Aint So

Just wanted to share my thoughts on the season the Indianapolis Colts are having. I have real issues with the fact Tony Dungy is willing to sit his star players and save them for the playoffs instead of letting the team go 16-0. He believes the Super Bowl is more important than an undefeated season. I beg to differ with him.

I was born in 1975 but you better believe the ’72 Dolphins is part of my vernacular. Everybody remembers the teams that go undefeated. However I would have to think for a moment about who won the Super Bowl ten years ago, or even five years ago for that matter. On the other hand, I can name all the star players and the coach from the ’72 Dolphins team. Dungy needs to realize if he wants to go down in history, he needs to win out in the regular season. The ’85 Bears are remembered not for winning the Super Bowl but for the one loss they suffered during their season. I don’t want this to be the fate of the Colts as well.

I will admit this is a little self-serving. My team has a solid shot at winning my fantasy football league this year. However, without the top players from the Colts defense and Edgerrin James, I don’t have a chance in hell. Please consider the little people out there when make your decision Coach Dungy.

Tis The Season

What an interesting weekend of holiday parties in the greater Lakewood area. Saturday night I set out with three other friends to toast the season with many other friends and some interesting new people we encountered.

The two parties we went to could not have been more different which is what I think made the evening so intriguing. As a short synopsis here is the difference between the two parties. At the first party, there was college football on, I learned some new anatomical words such as perineum (which I later referred to as Pangea) and watched a fish eat a live mouse and then spit it back out two hours later.

The second party was unlike anything I have ever seen before. I told my friends this party was going to be spectacular, but I think they still were hesitant until we entered. As you entered the house you could look in three directions. If you looked left, you saw a professional DJ choreographing a dance floor, which even Karen was initially a little intimidated by at first glance. To the right was a card room with professional dealers and poker and black jack tables set up. This party was a hilarious combination of MODA and the Nickel. If you looked straight ahead there was a bar set up with forty bottles of top shelf liquor. We arrived at 1 am and the party was still going quite strong for a couple hours. The best part though is that the host had passed out long before we got there. This always cracks me up.

So between the mouse-eating fish, the continent of Pangea and a hip hop dance party with some crazy queer people thrown in for kicks, the evening was quite adventurous.

Always The Bridesmaid, Never The Bride

Congratulations to my best friend in the world for her engagement earlier this week. I have never been happier for anyone. As a matter of fact, I screamed like a girl when she told me. I never really understood the concept of marriage before this week. I know that sounds crazy but marriage is just an institution that I thought would have been phased out at the turn of the century…last century that is. However this whole incident has got me thinking a lot more about it.

Why would people want to go through all that just to show their love to each other? It isn’t like somebody loves you more once you are married, compared to the day before you were married so what is the big deal? I think I have been hanging around the wrong people and watching the wrong television shows. It always seemed to me people put so much emphasis on getting married and living the perfect life that they never stopped to think about what it should really mean. Marriage isn’t about the wedding and all the flashiness that goes with planning the big day. I personally find all of that to be rather shallow. After watching my two friends the past two years, I know what the big deal is. It is the commitment. It is the idea that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, wants to spend the rest of their life with you and they want to start right now.

All the sudden, it seems funny to me the government doesn’t allow this right to a certain segment of the population. I mean really, what does the government know about love, honor and respect anyway? I am not saying I am going to go lobby congress on gay marriage or anything, but I do want to say in the relationships I have been involved in, the idea of commitment has a whole lot more to do with love and respect than whether or not one should choose chicken or beef as an entrée during the reception.

I have digressed. This post is to congratulate my best friend. I have known you for so long and I have never seen you as happy and in love. It is great to see two people who truly love each other commit to one another like the two of you have. HOWEVER, if I lose my Ohio City drinking buddy over this union, I am going to be a little upset.

All-Inclusive

I had only planned on spending one maybe two nights at my parents’ house this Thanksgiving Weekend. However after my fall, I ended up staying four days and four nights. That’s right, it was like I won a vacation: All inclusive four day-four night stay at Camp Lieberth including the following amenities:

All you can eat Thanksgiving leftovers; any DVD you can possibly imagine; all sports, all the time on your choice of four different televisions; unlimited internet access, hot tub usage and pain killers; euchre tournament on Saturday and filet mignon served on Sunday during NFL Primetime. Sorry lake will be closed for the winter.

Even though I felt like crap all weekend, it obviously could have been under worse conditions.

Strange but true fact of the day: Four different people I have lived with and would consider some of my best friends over the past ten years, turn 30 this week.

How Sick Am I?

I will be missing my third party of the weekend tonight. I still haven’t left my parents house and I haven’t changed my clothes in three days. (If you are yet to read my last entry you may want to go back because it will give you a little insight into the following information.)

On Wednesday I was told I had a sinus infection. No biggie. I get them all the time. What I don’t do all the time is fall down a flight of stairs and crush my nose where my sinuses happen to be housed. With the swelling, I have been unable to blow my nose or cough up anything in my body. Good times. Things are looking better though, today I was able to raise my arm above my head for the first time in three days. That was very exciting. Nonetheless it has been very hard to fight this sinus infection and I feel so gross. I haven’t been able to sleep in three nights, even with the muscle relaxers my mother has given me.

Yes my mother has proven to be a regular nurse-in-training through this whole ordeal. When I woke her up to help with the blood, she immediately handed me a box of frozen pizza rolls for my face, frozen broccoli for my knee and some darvocet for the pain. Who needs the Cleveland Clinic when you have Camp Lieberth?

Thanksgiving Eve

With visions of turkey dancing in her head, I woke my mom up at 3:30 am on Thanksgiving with the following question: “Mom, what do you use to get blood out of your carpet?” Her response, as you can imagine, went something like this: “Huh? Blood? Huh?”

Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night to turn the heat down, or at least I think that is why I woke up, and ended up taking a nosedive down their stairs right into the dining room. I cut my lip and nose on the banister as I fell to the bottom and there was blood everywhere. How nobody woke up is beyond me. I remember laying there at the bottom thinking: “Wow, give these people a couple drinks and some Chinese food and they can sleep through anything.”

The whole right side of my body is hurting today as I hit my knee and elbow against the wall so hard my pajamas ripped. My parents and I laughed reliving the story this morning when my mom told us to quiet down so we wouldn’t wake my brother up. However, I believe if he slept through that dainty fall of mine, he could probably sleep through anything.

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

What a great weekend! I shared some great moments with some great people and most importantly, my theatrical debut was a success. Wild Plum put on an incredible show this weekend at Asterisk Gallery and I have to believe my own personal success was inspired by the movie Dirty Dancing.

On Friday Mindy sent me some lines from Dirty Dancing and then on Saturday before my second show, Dirty Dancing was on television so I watched it for inspiration. Watching Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze helped motivate me to perform at my best and reminded me of the roles Maria and I would be playing later in the evening (ahem). (Yes, it’s true-this is one of my favorite movies. I even went to the concert involving all the soundtrack artists back in 1990. Anybody really scared by this revelation?)

Best line from the weekend was provided by Alison when I asked her what hat I should wear to a party. (I needed to wear a hat because my hair was all slicked down and I didn’t have time to change from my greasy salesman persona hair to my regular hair after my show.) I don’t own many hats so from the two choices I showed her, she said:
“Well that all depends, do you want to look like you are about to build a snowman or do you want to look like you are driving a train?”

Runner-up line: “Oh, you were right! He does look like a lesbian.”

I also realized how incredibly lucky I am this weekend. For the past two months, my friends and I have found a way to get together every weekend for some sort of celebration whether it was a birthday party, Halloween party, art opening or holiday party. I can’t think of any other time in my life when I had so many great people surrounding me. Next weekend one of my best friends will turn thirty. Guess we will probably have to celebrate that as well.

Honk, Honk

Today I had to go to van training at work. Today’s session entailed us sitting in a classroom for two hours getting lectured by a retired driver’s education teacher. We all remember what our driver’s education teacher was like, now imagine that person twenty years older as they say this to you:

“Safety precautions include using your horn. I am the kind of driver that likes to use my horn when needed. I guess you could call me a horny driver.”

True story.

There Are Some Things Money Can't Buy

Cigarettes: $4.00

Our original bill at the Fulton: $38.00

Our bill after I told Mindy to let the bartender know Happy Hour was still in effect: $17.00

My new blazer from Unique Thrift: $6.00

Having to buy a pair of jeans so I could go over the $12.00 limit to use my card at the thrift store: $6.00

Finding the perfect blazer for my role as Chip in tonight’s skit: Priceless

Laughing for ninety minutes straight about anything and everything with Mindy, who I haven’t hung out with in weeks: Priceless

Sharing a Middle Eastern beef dish with Mohammed and Jimmy at the little store where I buy my cigarettes when I asked what smelled so good behind the counter: Priceless

Making a friend forget about her troubles, even for just a moment, with an incredible joke that only works when I have been drinking so I can talk really loud with an Asian accent: Priceless

Hearing a middle-aged guy in Ohio City say his mom just took him out for the best birthday steak dinner in the area and then when the bartender asks where at, he replies “The Longhorn at Ridge Park in Parma, ever heard of it?”: Priceless (This guy was creepy because he kept reading the birthday card his mother had given him over and over again.)

Just your run-of-the-mill typical Thursday night in Ohio City.

Maybe I Am Not So Crazy

Earlier this month, I had an entry which described my refusal to turn on the heat. I thought I was being so vigialant. I was so proud of myself, but I also wrote the article when it was still 55 degrees outside. Last night I broke down. As my apartment went below 50 degrees, I had to turn on my heat. I couldn't take it anymore. I could no longer move in my bed because I was wearing so many layers of clothes. I got up out of bed, set my heat to 60 degrees and fell asleep with dollar signs running through my head. However it was nice to feel my feet when I got out of bed this morning.

Short-Lived Love Affair

This won't last very long, but I love that today is the first snowfall of the year. There has always been something so romantic about seeing the flakes again after almost seven months. Makes me want to cuddle up in front of my gaudy seventies fireplace (even though it doesn't work) with a glass of brandy (even though I don't drink brandy). Hard to believe it has been seven months since it has snowed considering the winter always seems like it lasts year-round here in Cleveland. However, for the moment I am glad to see it. The wind conditions I could do without though.

Who Knew?

I learned so much the past couple days!

Who knew the Tremont Art Walk doesn’t have to include walking at all and that it should really be renamed the Tremont Art Drink?

Who knew if someone is cheap enough to flash someone for money, they are cheap enough to take a check instead of cash?

Who knew Macaroni and Cheese is best served after midnight?

Who knew the Rocky River Kiwanis pancake breakfast would include a piano solo?

Who knew watching sports without knowing the score could be so damn frustrating?

Who knew Lebron James would become the youngest player to score 4,000 points in an NBA career? (Ok, ok I actually knew that one would happen.)

Who knew staying in on Saturday and being in bed by 10 pm could be just as enjoyable as being with your friends on Friday night?

Who knew the CAVS could actually play defense?

Who knew Mindy would make my life a living hell this week and laugh uncontrollably when I tell her what she is doing to me?

Who knew our fantasy football team would blow everyone away with the following receiving corps: Roy Williams, Dennis Northcutt and Antwaan Randle El?

Who knew if you asked for a case of wine: half red, half white, the Market on Professor would give you all pink (rose) wine?

What an enlightening weekend!

On The Run

If you need to find me this weekend or next weekend, I will be on the run in Tremont. Wild Plum is presenting Exile on Professor Avenue with a celebration of visual and performing arts. The visual pieces will be displayed starting November 11 for the Tremont Art Walk and the performance pieces will be running November 18-19 at Asterisk Gallery. This entry includes a shameless plug as I will actually be acting in one of the performance pieces. If you get a chance, check out the free (donations always accepted) and incredibly entertaining artistic endeavors put on by the fabulous people at Wild Plum.

A New Product On The Market

As I was watching television last night, I saw that Downey fabric softener has come out with a new line that smells like Fabreeze. I laughed out loud. If you know me at all, you know why I laughed out loud. If you don’t know how dumb I can be, let me tell you a little story.

Last year I was washing my clothes when my brother came running down the stairs and looked at my bottle of fabric softener and started laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he proceeded to tell me how one of his fraternity brothers used Downey to wash his clothes when they were in college. I didn’t get the joke. I said: I don’t get it, that is all I use on my clothes. He lost it and ran upstairs to tell my parents I only use fabric softener to wash my clothes. I told them I have been using it for the past six months because it is cheaper than the other brands. Nobody knew what to say, so they all just laughed. Apparently fabric softener is a supplement to laundry detergent and should never ever be used as laundry detergent. Mindy put it best when she said, “In essence you have been fabreezing your clothes for the last six months.”

I guess I should have realized why my clothes had those weird blue marks on them, yet no stains ever really came out. The one good thing was that my clothes had never been softer or smelled better than they did for those six months. I can only imagine how good they would have smelled if I would have used the new Downey Fabreeze.

Addendum

Last week I wrote about my blog being a litmus test for funny as in people saying, “You have to write about this in your blog.” However, I forgot to mention it also measures how many reputations could be ruined with one simple entry. This can be illustrated by the fact that when my brother tells me a story, he usually prefaces it with, “Please don’t ever write about this in your blog.”

More TV Troubles

The craziest thing happened yesterday. Without warning the picture on my television screen was magnified so I can no longer see the top and bottom of my screen. Does anyone know what would make a television do this? Let me just explain why this is so important to me. Last night as I tried to watch the Marshall/Southern Miss game on ESPN the commentators were talking about how close the game was. I no longer can see the score in the top of the screen, so I had no idea exactly how close the game was. ALSO, I can no longer see the scoring updates at the bottom of my screen. Not to my mention when I try to watch regular television (because I don’t really count sports as regular television) all the heads are stretched out and look deformed. Please send help ASAP because the CAVS game starts at 7:00 tonight.

Opening Night

I woke up this morning and I had that “Christmas Morning” feeling in my stomach. It’s opening night for the new-look Cavaliers and I am so excited. If only my new LeBron jersey was considered business casual, I could have worn it to work today to commemorate the opening of the season.

A Halloween Memory

I got a funny phone message from my dad earlier this week. It went something like this:
“Hey did you see only 40 people got arrested at Ohio University last weekend compared to 445 at the University of Wisconsin? What is going on there? Ohio University must not be such a big party school anymore.” There are several reasons why this statistic intrigues my father.

First, my dad, like myself is an alum of Ohio University. He seems to hold as much pride in the party school image as all of his children who went after him. Second, in some publication at some point this year Ohio University was named the second biggest party school in the country behind Wisconsin. My dad also left me a message regarding this ranking when it occurred. Third, during my first Halloween at Ohio University, I was arrested. For some reason, I think my dad (and maybe even my mom) were actually proud of me when this happened.

It’s true I was arrested at my first Halloween in college. The first time (ahem) I was arrested was Halloween 1994 in Athens, Ohio. I was walking down the street as a clown minding my own business when a volunteer cop swooped out of nowhere and threw handcuffs on me. Apparently the open container, which I forgot was in my hand, was against the law. I tried to explain it was part of my costume, but it didn’t work. I was number 14 that night out of 437 people who got arrested. Apparently I couldn’t wait until after I had a good time to get arrested that evening. No…I need to get arrested right away at 7 pm when most people haven’t even left their house yet.

There I was in my blown-out clown costume: the big rainbow hair my mom bought me to wear for this very occasion, clown nose and clown clothes being led away to the local jail. The arrest itself was a joke. I had to walk around with the number 14 around my neck and the lackey who arrested me got to have his picture taken with me. They also tried to fit as many people into these tiny cells as possible.

I was the first of eight girls thrown into my cell that night. One by one they were all led in for various alcohol-related reasons. And one by one they all said the same thing: “My dad is going to kill me!” When I was finally released on bail five hours later and headed back to the party with my friends (what do you expect, it was still early?), I turned to my friends and said: “My parents are going to laugh so hard!” As a matter of fact, my parents were actually upset I didn’t tell them earlier so they could have told all their friends.

I bet none of those girls’ dads called them this weekend with that statistic. Thanks for the information dad.

Blog Material?

One funny thing about having a blog is when people do or say stuff around me, I tend to hear the following things:
“Are you going to write about that in your blog?”
“Is that blog material?”
“You should totally write about that in your blog tomorrow.”

It makes me laugh when people say this and it also serves as my new litmus test for funny. It has gotten to the point when people don’t say that after something funny happens, I want to say: “What? You don’t think that would be funny enough to go on my blog?”

So That Is What My Doorbell Sounds Like

At about 10:30 pm I heard my doorbell for the first time ever. I sat there stunned for a second unaware of what the noise could possibly be. Then I realized it must be my doorbell for the back door. As I walked downstairs I could not imagine who would be stopping by at this time of night. (Okay, okay, that last part is a lie I have some crazy friends who stop by whenever they want to, but I thought it would add some suspense to the story.) I pulled back the curtains and began talking to a woman I had never seen before through my window as if one of us was in prison. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: Yes?
Strange woman at my door: That vacuum out in your trash…that work?
Me: Uh…vacuum in my trash? Oh, my neighbor is moving he must have thrown it away.
Strange woman at my door: Cuz uh I don’t want to be carrying no vacuum home and not have it work.
Me: I understand that would be a real hassle. Sorry I can’t help you.
Strange woman at my door: Is your neighbor home? Maybe I can talk to him.
Me: Sorry he isn’t around.
Strange woman at my door: Shit. Well, thanks anyway.
Me: Okay, have a good night.

She didn’t end up taking the vacuum. I guess the chance of it actually working wasn’t enough to overtake the struggle to haul it down the street.

Just In Case You Weren’t Sure I Was Crazy

I am so against paying the high heating costs this winter that I am going to refuse to turn my heat on until the last possible second. My gas company has already tried to put me on the budget payment plan, but I won't do it. I refuse to think I am going to spend more than $50 on heat per month. As a matter of fact, just to show them (because I think they might be watching me) how far I am from turning on my heat, I still have my windows open. As if I am saying, “See? Look at how warm I am in my apartment. I will never need your stinking heat! Never!”

I must admit it is starting to get really cold in my apartment. Last night I had to wear a ski cap in the kitchen while I was cooking dinner, but I will remain vigilant.

I Got Me A Library Card

Tuesday I walked into my neighborhood library and got a library card. I haven’t had a library card in 15 years and I forgot the magic and power of owning one. When she handed me the card I said, “So I can just borrow whatever I want and return it in three weeks?” She looked at me like I was from a different planet.

Because my library is located in an urban setting there are just as my cds as there are books which I found to be funny. Not quite as funny as the woman in front of me in line who was taking out twenty cds at a time. She practically cleaned out the hip hop section. I also grabbed a couple cds on my way out. It appears I was the first borrower of the Melissa Etheridge cd, Lucky. Go Figure.

Speaking of Melissa Etheridge…It appears there is a new spokeswoman for Olivia Cruise Lines. Yes, Sheryl Swoopes, the most dominant women’s basketball player of all time, has come out of the closet. I must admit I was initially shocked. Then I started thinking about the consequences behind this action and the reason for doing it. Apparently she has been with her partner for over eight years, so why do it now? I hate to say it, but my first thought was money. I started wondering if the CEO of Nike had something to do with this? Was he about to introduce the Nike Dyke Basketball Shoe? Then I found out today where the money was coming from. Olivia Cruise Lines has signed Swoopes on as a spokesperson. So here is the question I have to wonder to myself: Would she have done this without guaranteed money? Knowing she was most likely going to lose current marketing opportunities, did she wait until another opportunity came along to be honest with everyone? While, I am excited she did it, I can’t help but wonder if she did it for the right reasons.

What They Really Mean

I got sucked into the Hurricane Wilma coverage on the Weather Channel this week. There are a couple reasons this storm was of particular interest to me. First of all, I used to live in Southwest Florida and I still know people in the area, so I felt personally vested in the coverage. The second reason is because I find the weather men and women who cover the storm to be hilarious.

The people who get stuck standing out in this weather create some great comedy for me. One of my personal favorites is the guy they keep going back to every 15 minutes for eight hours. In this particular case, the gentleman was in Fort Myers and he started out by saying, “As you can see no rain here, this area might get bypassed by the storm.” What he was really saying was, “This is the most boring gig I have ever had.” Cut to an hour later with him saying, “As you can see just a little rain here, I think the damage will be minimal.” However he really wanted to say, “How many more times can I keep saying the same thing over and over again?” Cut to three hours later with the guy hanging on to whatever he can find with his coat flapping in his face as palm trees fly by, “As you can see the wind is starting to pick up. It looks like the storm may indeed hit this area.” What he really meant by this is: “I am currently standing in the middle of a hurricane and if I remain calm I may eventually get an anchor position where I don’t have to stand out in this crappy weather anymore doing updates every 15 minutes for people who can clearly see what is going on behind me.”

I also like it when they try to create drama for us because that is just as funny. My favorite quote of the day was the weather correspondent who was clinging to a gate on a pier in the Keys during the middle of the storm when he said, “I am going to have to get off this gate because it does indeed look like it is going to blow off this pier.” Now it is easier to read into what he really meant. He was actually saying, “I am going to have to get off this gate because it does indeed look like it is going to blow off this pier.”

Dionysus Would Have Been Proud

Had a great birthday party Friday night and was able to stop stressing when the guests started to arrive. I must admit people were taking bets early on as to when my head would implode. Alas, I am unscathed as the party was a success. Perhaps the best part of the party was the recap the next day as everyone lay around a little hungover with their own personal stories of the night to share. I have found a good recipe for birthday party success includes sangria, a hot dog buffet, great friends, family and lots of alcohol.

As for the most important part…I made a birthday wish for the first time in my life. I mean I have faked them before, and I have also just thought of the craziest stuff because I never took them seriously. This time I decided to follow-through with the gesture and finally put some thought and feeling into the whole ordeal. Then I started thinking…What is up with the birthday wish anyway? I did a little research and found that in ancient times, people prayed over the flames of an open fire. They believed the smoke carried their thoughts up to the gods (in my case *Dionysus). Hopefully he was listening Friday night.

*Dionysus=the god of wine, represents not only the intoxicating power of wine, but also its social and beneficent influences.

Happy 30th Birthday To Me!

The day has finally arrived. I am officially thirty years old. Unlike most people, I have been looking forward to turning thirty. It makes me feel more refined. Twenty-nine always seemed like such an immature age. And if you know anything about me, you know I am nothing if not refined and mature.

I look back on my twenties and I can’t stop smiling. The past ten years have been filled with so many firsts and so many good times. Tonight many of the people who have made the past ten years so special will be joining me. We will not only be celebrating my birthday, but also enduring friendships. At this time in my life I feel so lucky. I am surrounded by some of the best people in the world. I can’t wait to see what the next ten years holds for me.

A special birthday shout-out to my parents for not only bringing me into this world thirty years ago, but for letting me celebrate my birthday in style at their house.

I Won't Lie

It was me. I was the one walking across the street this morning who tripped right in the middle of the intersection. I tried to play it off but there is no way to be cool when you land right in front of a bus stop. So if you saw me, I won’t deny it. Perhaps the best part would be the look on my face as I was going down: complete disbelief. As much as it hurt (mostly my pride), I would love to see it on film, so I might have to check with the city to see if they caught it on the crosswalk cameras.

Send More Candles

My blog is currently down as I will be at the Cleveland Clinic holding vigil for Lebron James after he spent his second night in the hospital last night due to a chest strain. Don’t worry his restraining order against me is for 100 yards so you can find me across the street at the Key Bank on Euclid Avenue.

He Does It All

Last night at my favorite ghetto gas station, the owner put up a new sign in front of the plastic shield you have to slide your money under. The sign, written in marker, said: Notary Public. This is the equivalent of someone saying, "well, Jose said it was cool, so it must be cool." Only now Jose has a stamp.

Damn Those Three-Day Weekends

I left the Browns game when the score was 10-6 on Sunday with Chicago up. Enough said.

This makes perfect sense in my life as I had a three-day weekend. Nothing ever goes right for me on three-day weekends. Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend and now Columbus Day weekend have been the worst three weekends of the year for me. I don’t think I was meant to have more than two days off a week. With that much time off, things are bound to go horribly awry. My next three-day weekend? My thirtieth birthday at the end of October. Let’s hope things go a little better.

Not all was lost this weekend. I did get new furniture, the Yankees got knocked out of the playoffs and I heard the funniest story of my life thanks to my brother. A story that still makes me laugh out loud, and would make the movie the Aristocrats seem like good family fun.

One last note on the subject of disappointing…Liz Phair is performing at Boo Bash for Q104. Is this the ultimate sign of selling-out for her? When I was in college, she hardly toured and now she is going to do the main stage of the poppiest radio station in town. I thought it was bad enough when she did Lilith Fair, but Boo Bash? When her last album came out, I defended her. I don’t think I can do it anymore.

Overheard At Ladies Night

“I would really like to be naked in public by the time I am 25 because after that I am going to have to settle down.”

-Random woman at the bar

Weekend Recap

What an interesting weekend. I don’t know if a synopsis will do it justice, but I will try. Friday I laughed non-stop for five hours in front of a bonfire with people I had no idea how much I missed. Saturday I literally rolled out of bed and stumbled to the West Side Market for produce and pasta salad only to see the worst play I have ever seen later that night. (When you start cringing after the opening monologue, you know it is going to be bad.) Sunday brought a new toy from Verizon, which I played with for most of the day, then onto a friend’s birthday party at a bar I have always been afraid to go into which was followed by late-night mussels compliments of Mindy. Just your typical run-of-the-mill weekend.

A Preview Of Bills To Come

I woke up this morning to my whole apartment rattling. I knew my windows were old but I guess I had no idea just how old and worn they actually were. I should not be able to feel a breeze ten feet away when my windows are closed. It isn’t just my windows though where I can feel the breeze. The wind was actually coming through the walls and my bathroom ceiling. I am going to have to take the window plastic people use to cover their windows and cover not only my windows but the whole apartment this winter or my heating bills are going to be astronomical. That will surely add a nice modern look to my seventies apartment.

Information You Can Only Get From A Student Newspaper

I can’t help it. This made me laugh out loud.

“Proceeds from both the university Pagan change drive and the Muslim Student Association bake sale are being funneled directly to Katrina survivors.”

Race Against Time

On Sunday my television went down. I could only see a blue screen. The one thing I look forward to all weekend is watching football all day on Sunday and time was not on my side as it was already 12:30 and kickoff was in thirty minutes. I started to panic. My first instinct was to call the cable company to make sure they got my check. They did. Now I am really in trouble. The woman at the cable company tried to walk me through all the possible problems. As she started to hear the panic in my voice, she began to sound more like a 911 operator. Finally she figured out it was the television. When my electricity went out on Friday, my television reverted back to channel 2 and it has to be on channel 4. This change can only be made with a remote control, which I do not have. She told me to go to Wal-Mart but I didn’t have the time. Finally I remembered the little television I have in my back room. I ran and grabbed that television and unplugged my digital cable box and plugged in my regular cable wires. I missed the first two drives of the Browns game, but in the end, I was just fine watching football on my 13-inch monitor. TV + Football=Happy.

It's Official

It’s officially Fall and to commemorate the new season, I fell twice this week. My first trip was at Edgewater Park in front of this large family trying to pass me on the sidewalk. I went down and I went down hard. They seemed concerned but they kept moving. The person I was with tried to look concerned but she couldn’t stop laughing. Last night I went down again. Right off my barstool when my companion jokingly gave me a push. Again I went down and even harder this time. This time people actually rushed to make sure I was okay and not foaming at the mouth after hitting my head twice on the way down. I am fine, but I do have a nice knot on my head this morning. This is a rough season.

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Outfit Spotted on Abbey Avenue

You just can't beat the fashion of the Near West Side. Two days ago around lunchtime I saw what can only be described as a "smart outfit." A woman pushing her cart across the street was wearing long johns with floral boxers over them, a sweater, a sweater vest and goggles. She reminded me a little of the red baron.

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My Favorite New Toy

Is there anything more fun for a grown woman to play with than a secret decoder ring that only your best friends have access to? This thing really has me distracted. Funny thing is, my dad just called me at work to discuss business (fantasy football) and he asked if I was busy. I said, “nope, just playing with my new decoder ring.” I don’t think he knew quite how to react.

No Respect

What started out as a respectable Friday evening with a nice dinner in Tremont and an art opening somehow ended up with me crawling out of a minivan with only a mattress in the back at 4 a.m. Don’t worry the minivan belonged to a friend and the mattress, well I am still not sure what that was doing in the back. It was one of those nights when you say, “Oh okay but just one drink. I don’t want it to be a late night.” This is the curse of death. Soon all your friends are showing up at the Garage Bar as you close the place down and head to breakfast. This brings me to the point of this blog entry, though not in a very succinct manner I might add.

On Friday night at 3 a.m., I witnessed the worst job in the world. A job I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy: working the third shift at a 24-hour diner. How horrible would this be? Your work consists of waiting on drunk people after the bars close as they order the weirdest combinations of food, ordering in slurs and passing out by the time the food comes. Of course everyone at my table was sober and none of these things happened to anyone I was with (ahem), but it was quite a sight to see around the restaurant. You would have to be the biggest masochist in the world to take this job. On Saturday morning Mindy described this job as, “Hell on Earth.” I would have to agree with her.

What an interesting ten hours Friday night turned out to be. I went from ordering a respectable dinner at South Side in Tremont to ordering saurkraut balls at a 24-hour diner, only to have my friend drop us off out of the back of her minivan at the crack of dawn. Seriously, next time, just one drink.

Back On The Circuit

After taking 24 small pills in a matter of four days (they don’t call it the “power pack” for nothing), my health is almost back to normal. In return this means my life is almost back to normal. I am now back to work and, most importantly, back out on the streets of Ohio City. Minus a brief stop in the flats last night for dinner at Rock Bottom (huge mistake!), I was able to meet up with some people I haven’t seen in weeks to catch up and enjoy some much-needed laughter. Nothing like making up for lost time.

Stronger Than Anthrax

Remember the Anthrax craze four years ago when everyone was trying to get their hands on Cipro because it was the only thing that could fight Anthrax? I know where people can get some now. I was just taken off Cipro because it isn't strong enough to fight whatever is going on in my body. A drug they refer to as the "power pack" is my new drug of choice. They still aren't sure what is wrong with me yet, but whatever it is, it must be stronger than anthrax. If you get any mail from me in the next couple weeks, you may want to have it examined first.

I Love Vicodin and Other Random Sunday Morning Thoughts

Let me just start this entry out by saying, I am sick. I don’t think I have ever felt this sick for so long in my life. Yesterday I got to spend the afternoon and part of the evening in the Emergency Room. I now have prescriptions for Vicodin and Cipro, which don’t really seem to be helping me as I can no longer swallow or talk and drool has become the new problem of the day. Let me tell you, good times all around. There is nothing like grinding up vicodin with a spoon to make you feel like a total junkie first thing Sunday morning. It isn’t all bleak though, there are some good things happening:

-Football starts for real today. I am so excited as this may very well be my favorite day of the year. As soon as I hear Chris Berman and Tom Jackson’s voice on ESPN’s Sunday Morning Countdown, I know I will get goose bumps and I don’t think they will be related to my fever and the mass amount of pills I am taking. The best part is I am supposed to lie down on the couch all day and watch football. I really have no other choice. Ahem.

-Speaking of pills. I have found there is an inverse relationship between the amount of drugs you take and your accountability. It is so nice now when I put my foot in mouth to just say: “Whoops, that’s the Vicodin talking—you know I don’t really feel that way.”

-Not being able to swallow food has really been a nice and easy way to diet these past couple days.

-Trying to have a conversation with anyone is like playing a game show, so there is the built-in entertainment factor at work as well.

Feel free to call or write. I am looking for anything to cheer me up today. I do have to warn you if you call, you won’t be able to understand a thing I am saying and I will blame most things on the Vicodin.

Rx

A conversation Friday night with my friend Alison went something like this:

A: Well if you can't come out, what are you going to do?
M: Drink some whiskey
A: That can't be good for you
M: No! I heard it helps with throat and ear infections.
A: Conveniently enought that is what you have.
M: I know. Didn't that work out well for me?

I Would Hardly Call This UrgentCare

Why do they call it UrgentCare when you have to wait for over 90 minutes with only three people in the waiting room? On Tuesday I was lucky enough to get the chance to visit my local UrgentCare due to a throat and ear problem which kept me in all weekend (see previous entry). There I was sandwiched in between the 85-year old woman in town from Florida who fell at Avon Commons and the gentleman who fell down and hurt his ribs who won the award for stupidest question asked at an UrgentCare: While filling out his paperwork, he asked his wife if he had a maiden name. She was nice enough to answer him with a straight face.

For over an hour we all sat there staring at each other wondering if there were actually doctors behind those magical doors. The doors we all kept staring at, hoping somebody, anybody would walk out and call our names. It really is the most amazing feeling in the world when you finally hear your name. (I would compare it to winning the lottery but I have never won the lottery so I guess I will compare it to winning the spelling bee in third grade.) However, once you head toward the back and think you have made it to the promise land, your wait is not over. Oh they will patronize you and ask you questions and tell you the doctor will be right in, but this is never the case. Once in the back, I waited another thirty minutes to see a doctor, who spent two minutes examining me.

Initial Signs of the Apocalypse

Labor Day Weekend. I was in bed by 11 pm on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Not to mention I am wearing my "Aren't You Glad It's Friday" underwear on Monday. Get your canned goods and small children and take shelter.

Sometimes I Forget About This Blog

It's true. Sometimes I forget I have a blog and share my daily comings and goings. Then out of the blue I will be sitting at a family barbeque talking about how well I have been eating lately when my family reminds me I just had chili dogs and chili cheese fries at lunch with my co-worker last week. I look surprised until they quote my blog. Foiled again.

Happy Holidays

I am looking forward to this three day weekend. Not just because I love three day weekends, but because it is my first Labor Day where I actually deserve a Labor Day Holiday. After this past week of crazy anecdotal stories provided from my job, I am ready for a little rest, relaxation and barbeque.

Power Lunch

I just had the best work lunch ever as I introduced a co-worker to Ohio City’s finest hot dog diner. We took our four dogs with everything and chili cheese fries to Lincoln Park and had a work picnic. It is so hard to go back to work after a picnic with the weather like this, especially after two dogs with everything and chili cheese fries sitting in your stomach.

The Great Lake Provokes Intriguing Questions

As I was walking around in Edgewater Park last night after work, I was asked the following question: "What do you have that Emily Dickinson doesn't?" This may be the best question anyone has ever asked me. I still don't have an answer. I might have to do a little more research on that one, but I can think of a few key things offhand.

Weekend Recap

The weekend flew by so fast. I got to spend Friday night with some incredible people at the Old Angle. I never wanted the night to end. Fortunately it lasted into the morning hours leaving me with some incredible memories.

I had to work Saturday morning, which left me tired in combination from the night before so it was a pretty early night. A housewarming party for two of my best friends capped off an incredible day where I fell asleep on my couch listening to Alix Olson by 11:30.

Sunday I got to partake in one of my new favorite adventures: Sharing my weekend adventures with Mindy at Talkies, a cinematic coffee shop in Ohio City. I am addicted to her laptop with WiFi so we chat and get on-line and chat some more. Because I didn’t get to see her this weekend, we had some great stories to share. We add a whole new element to the term “coffee talk” and I feel bad for the people around us who have to sit through our constant laughter. The afternoon brought a trip out to Camp Lieberth where I was joined by a first-timer to the compound. You haven’t paddle-boated until you have paddle-boated with a dog at the helm.

After paddle-boating, I got down to business as my dad and I went over our fantasy football draft. I am sure thirty years ago when my dad first held his princess, he probably never envisioned us strategizing over running backs and quarterbacks, preparing for our live draft next Tuesday night. My mom is so proud. Ahem.

And She Wasn't Even Wearing All Black

I had someone walk into my office to say they needed to get a form and they went "on the line" to get get it, but they didn't have access. For those of you keeping score at home, when she said "on the line" she meant on-line. Though in my mind I made it analagous to Johnny Cash singing "Walk the Line." It was much more interesting that way.

The Apocalypse

Last night I turned off Monday Night Football and picked up a book. Okay, okay, so it is only the pre-season, but still this kind of stuff doesn't happen everyday, so mark the date. By the way, David Sedaris is a genius. I could read his stuff all night and that is exactly what I did!

Finally!

After all the money I have spent at my favorite watering hole, The Old Angle, my money will finally be going to something worthwhile there. This Wednesday The Summer Restaurant Tour will be coming to the Old Angle and forty percent of everyone's bill will be going to The Center. Please join me and my friends as we drink and eat in honor of a place that gives so much to the city of Cleveland.

I Am Alive

For those of you who have called and e-mailed, I am alive. Actually I feel more alive than I have in a long time. I turned my television off last week and haven't really turned it back on since. My life is currently better than anything I could see on the big screen. As a matter of fact my life currently feels like a movie. I am measuring time by frames per second instead hours and days.

The cast of characters in my life has supplied enough comedy (and a little bit of drama) to last a lifetime. Because of my PG-13 blog, I can not share many of those moments, but know I would love to write down everything Tim said to me the other night because he is just that funny.

The setting for this movie has had me all over Cleveland the past couple weeks. Nights spent out in Ohio City, Lakewood, Tremont, the Feast and downtown at work have made me so thankful to be back in the city after my hiatus in the suburbs.

The one thing I am enjoying the most right now is the soundtrack to my life. I have been without a true stereo for over a year, so last Sunday I broke down and got a new one. Over the last week I have listened to every cd I own. My solo dance parties have included the likes of Ani, Ember Swift, Tori Amos, Sinead, Bitch and Animal, Melissa Ferrick, G. Love, The Deftones, Missy Elliott, Alix Olson, Le Tigre, Belly and many more. I had no idea how much I missed my music.

Your heroine even loves working again. I finally have a job that keeps my attention. The people I help on a daily basis are some of the most interesting supporting characters I have ever met. It is such an amazing change compared to my last position. As you can tell from my lack of blogging, I never get a chance to get on the internet for personal reasons anymore. (Whereas I used to spend more than half my time on-line at my old position.) I thought I would miss it, but I don't.

Don’t get me wrong, I will definitely turn my tv back on tomorrow for the series finale of Six Feet Under. I feel like I am actually going to be losing a part of me as I watch the show come to an end. However, my life without television and the internet is much more exciting. I have finally tuned into myself.

Also, I learned a very important lesson last week. Don't ever play softball without a mitt!

Weekend Recap

Baby Showers: Not my forte. Three hours of baby gifts is not how I ever want to spend a Saturday in August again.

Le Tigre: I could watch them perform every night and never get tired. Imagine Divo and Bananarama having musically gifted punk daughters.

Camp Lieberth: Always a Sunday afternoon pleasure. The past two Sundays have been spent sitting on my parents dock reading trashy magazines and navigating through the lake on a Styrofoam noodle.

One more interesting thing to note from the weekend: I have a borderline stalker who works at Heinens. Every time my friend and I go in there, she follows us around the store and acts like she is working when clearly she does not work in every department of the store at the same time. She runs from the deli, to the freezer section and then up to the cash registers and opens her register just for us. I know she has a million things she wants to say considering she couldn’t wait to tell me how much she loves Angelina Jolie in an awkward 19-year-old girl kinda way. I am probably the first person she has ever seen in there she felt like she could relate to. There aren’t a whole lot of women who look like me, especially on Sunday when I was sporting a faux hawk, shopping in the Heinens of Aurora right next to the Barrington Golf Community. I do feel for her. I hope she is able to find somebody to stalk after I leave--just like I had to do when I was her age growing up in the suburbs on the east side, following around women who looked like I do now thinking they could somehow lead me to the Promise Land.

TGIF Part Three

Three weeks are now in the books at the new position. I wish I had a little more to show for it, but I am getting there. The big progression this week included: REVERSE SHADOWING. Day by day they are giving me a little more power, though still supervised power.

Looking ahead to the weekend: I am so excited to see some friends from college I haven't seen in years on Saturday afternoon and then Saturday night will be all about Le Tigre. I can not see this band enough. I am so excited! I will really enjoy the paradox of a baby shower and radical lesbian musicians rocking Peabodys.

Life In The Burbs

Life in the suburbs is something I am trying to get used to. Thankfully I only have to do it for two more weeks. After last night I am afraid I am becoming too acclimated to my new lifestyle. As a testament to this, I can only share my adventures after leaving work yesterday in the big city.

On my way home I sat through rush hour traffic for the first time in two years. I forgot the frustrations encountered on both 77 South and 480 East on a daily basis. Once I was home, I spent a half hour watering plants I wouldn’t even be able to name. After playing with the dog, I was off to Babies R Us. Let me say that last part one more time: I was off to Babies R Us.

My best friend from college is having a baby shower this Saturday and I decided to torture myself by trying to find things on her registry. What a daunting task. We gave up on the registry after finding one thing and went our own route with the gift. I figure any baby gift will be great as long as you throw in a bottle of wine which I plan to do. After going through a baby registry, there is only way place to eat: Ruby Tuesdays. (As you may remember, in there it is always Tuesday.) A typical suburban entrée featuring sirloin and the salad bar ensued.

Once home, the dog was walked and I was in bed right around 10:30. Living out there wears me out. It is like a job. I have to get up an hour earlier and then fight the traffic into the city only to have to fight it on the way home as well, only to get home to chores I couldn’t imagine having in the OC. I sure do miss my city lifestyle.

How To Make Me Laugh Out Loud

Call me on a Sunday morning and when I don't answer, leave a message that says: "Oh you must be at church."

Six Feet Under

I don’t know if I am going to be able to make it through the last couple episodes. Last night was a little bit of a tear jerker. To one of my favorite television characters of all time, rest in peace.