So That Is What My Doorbell Sounds Like

At about 10:30 pm I heard my doorbell for the first time ever. I sat there stunned for a second unaware of what the noise could possibly be. Then I realized it must be my doorbell for the back door. As I walked downstairs I could not imagine who would be stopping by at this time of night. (Okay, okay, that last part is a lie I have some crazy friends who stop by whenever they want to, but I thought it would add some suspense to the story.) I pulled back the curtains and began talking to a woman I had never seen before through my window as if one of us was in prison. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: Yes?
Strange woman at my door: That vacuum out in your trash…that work?
Me: Uh…vacuum in my trash? Oh, my neighbor is moving he must have thrown it away.
Strange woman at my door: Cuz uh I don’t want to be carrying no vacuum home and not have it work.
Me: I understand that would be a real hassle. Sorry I can’t help you.
Strange woman at my door: Is your neighbor home? Maybe I can talk to him.
Me: Sorry he isn’t around.
Strange woman at my door: Shit. Well, thanks anyway.
Me: Okay, have a good night.

She didn’t end up taking the vacuum. I guess the chance of it actually working wasn’t enough to overtake the struggle to haul it down the street.

Just In Case You Weren’t Sure I Was Crazy

I am so against paying the high heating costs this winter that I am going to refuse to turn my heat on until the last possible second. My gas company has already tried to put me on the budget payment plan, but I won't do it. I refuse to think I am going to spend more than $50 on heat per month. As a matter of fact, just to show them (because I think they might be watching me) how far I am from turning on my heat, I still have my windows open. As if I am saying, “See? Look at how warm I am in my apartment. I will never need your stinking heat! Never!”

I must admit it is starting to get really cold in my apartment. Last night I had to wear a ski cap in the kitchen while I was cooking dinner, but I will remain vigilant.

I Got Me A Library Card

Tuesday I walked into my neighborhood library and got a library card. I haven’t had a library card in 15 years and I forgot the magic and power of owning one. When she handed me the card I said, “So I can just borrow whatever I want and return it in three weeks?” She looked at me like I was from a different planet.

Because my library is located in an urban setting there are just as my cds as there are books which I found to be funny. Not quite as funny as the woman in front of me in line who was taking out twenty cds at a time. She practically cleaned out the hip hop section. I also grabbed a couple cds on my way out. It appears I was the first borrower of the Melissa Etheridge cd, Lucky. Go Figure.

Speaking of Melissa Etheridge…It appears there is a new spokeswoman for Olivia Cruise Lines. Yes, Sheryl Swoopes, the most dominant women’s basketball player of all time, has come out of the closet. I must admit I was initially shocked. Then I started thinking about the consequences behind this action and the reason for doing it. Apparently she has been with her partner for over eight years, so why do it now? I hate to say it, but my first thought was money. I started wondering if the CEO of Nike had something to do with this? Was he about to introduce the Nike Dyke Basketball Shoe? Then I found out today where the money was coming from. Olivia Cruise Lines has signed Swoopes on as a spokesperson. So here is the question I have to wonder to myself: Would she have done this without guaranteed money? Knowing she was most likely going to lose current marketing opportunities, did she wait until another opportunity came along to be honest with everyone? While, I am excited she did it, I can’t help but wonder if she did it for the right reasons.

What They Really Mean

I got sucked into the Hurricane Wilma coverage on the Weather Channel this week. There are a couple reasons this storm was of particular interest to me. First of all, I used to live in Southwest Florida and I still know people in the area, so I felt personally vested in the coverage. The second reason is because I find the weather men and women who cover the storm to be hilarious.

The people who get stuck standing out in this weather create some great comedy for me. One of my personal favorites is the guy they keep going back to every 15 minutes for eight hours. In this particular case, the gentleman was in Fort Myers and he started out by saying, “As you can see no rain here, this area might get bypassed by the storm.” What he was really saying was, “This is the most boring gig I have ever had.” Cut to an hour later with him saying, “As you can see just a little rain here, I think the damage will be minimal.” However he really wanted to say, “How many more times can I keep saying the same thing over and over again?” Cut to three hours later with the guy hanging on to whatever he can find with his coat flapping in his face as palm trees fly by, “As you can see the wind is starting to pick up. It looks like the storm may indeed hit this area.” What he really meant by this is: “I am currently standing in the middle of a hurricane and if I remain calm I may eventually get an anchor position where I don’t have to stand out in this crappy weather anymore doing updates every 15 minutes for people who can clearly see what is going on behind me.”

I also like it when they try to create drama for us because that is just as funny. My favorite quote of the day was the weather correspondent who was clinging to a gate on a pier in the Keys during the middle of the storm when he said, “I am going to have to get off this gate because it does indeed look like it is going to blow off this pier.” Now it is easier to read into what he really meant. He was actually saying, “I am going to have to get off this gate because it does indeed look like it is going to blow off this pier.”

Dionysus Would Have Been Proud

Had a great birthday party Friday night and was able to stop stressing when the guests started to arrive. I must admit people were taking bets early on as to when my head would implode. Alas, I am unscathed as the party was a success. Perhaps the best part of the party was the recap the next day as everyone lay around a little hungover with their own personal stories of the night to share. I have found a good recipe for birthday party success includes sangria, a hot dog buffet, great friends, family and lots of alcohol.

As for the most important part…I made a birthday wish for the first time in my life. I mean I have faked them before, and I have also just thought of the craziest stuff because I never took them seriously. This time I decided to follow-through with the gesture and finally put some thought and feeling into the whole ordeal. Then I started thinking…What is up with the birthday wish anyway? I did a little research and found that in ancient times, people prayed over the flames of an open fire. They believed the smoke carried their thoughts up to the gods (in my case *Dionysus). Hopefully he was listening Friday night.

*Dionysus=the god of wine, represents not only the intoxicating power of wine, but also its social and beneficent influences.

Happy 30th Birthday To Me!

The day has finally arrived. I am officially thirty years old. Unlike most people, I have been looking forward to turning thirty. It makes me feel more refined. Twenty-nine always seemed like such an immature age. And if you know anything about me, you know I am nothing if not refined and mature.

I look back on my twenties and I can’t stop smiling. The past ten years have been filled with so many firsts and so many good times. Tonight many of the people who have made the past ten years so special will be joining me. We will not only be celebrating my birthday, but also enduring friendships. At this time in my life I feel so lucky. I am surrounded by some of the best people in the world. I can’t wait to see what the next ten years holds for me.

A special birthday shout-out to my parents for not only bringing me into this world thirty years ago, but for letting me celebrate my birthday in style at their house.

I Won't Lie

It was me. I was the one walking across the street this morning who tripped right in the middle of the intersection. I tried to play it off but there is no way to be cool when you land right in front of a bus stop. So if you saw me, I won’t deny it. Perhaps the best part would be the look on my face as I was going down: complete disbelief. As much as it hurt (mostly my pride), I would love to see it on film, so I might have to check with the city to see if they caught it on the crosswalk cameras.

Send More Candles

My blog is currently down as I will be at the Cleveland Clinic holding vigil for Lebron James after he spent his second night in the hospital last night due to a chest strain. Don’t worry his restraining order against me is for 100 yards so you can find me across the street at the Key Bank on Euclid Avenue.

He Does It All

Last night at my favorite ghetto gas station, the owner put up a new sign in front of the plastic shield you have to slide your money under. The sign, written in marker, said: Notary Public. This is the equivalent of someone saying, "well, Jose said it was cool, so it must be cool." Only now Jose has a stamp.

Damn Those Three-Day Weekends

I left the Browns game when the score was 10-6 on Sunday with Chicago up. Enough said.

This makes perfect sense in my life as I had a three-day weekend. Nothing ever goes right for me on three-day weekends. Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend and now Columbus Day weekend have been the worst three weekends of the year for me. I don’t think I was meant to have more than two days off a week. With that much time off, things are bound to go horribly awry. My next three-day weekend? My thirtieth birthday at the end of October. Let’s hope things go a little better.

Not all was lost this weekend. I did get new furniture, the Yankees got knocked out of the playoffs and I heard the funniest story of my life thanks to my brother. A story that still makes me laugh out loud, and would make the movie the Aristocrats seem like good family fun.

One last note on the subject of disappointing…Liz Phair is performing at Boo Bash for Q104. Is this the ultimate sign of selling-out for her? When I was in college, she hardly toured and now she is going to do the main stage of the poppiest radio station in town. I thought it was bad enough when she did Lilith Fair, but Boo Bash? When her last album came out, I defended her. I don’t think I can do it anymore.

Overheard At Ladies Night

“I would really like to be naked in public by the time I am 25 because after that I am going to have to settle down.”

-Random woman at the bar

Weekend Recap

What an interesting weekend. I don’t know if a synopsis will do it justice, but I will try. Friday I laughed non-stop for five hours in front of a bonfire with people I had no idea how much I missed. Saturday I literally rolled out of bed and stumbled to the West Side Market for produce and pasta salad only to see the worst play I have ever seen later that night. (When you start cringing after the opening monologue, you know it is going to be bad.) Sunday brought a new toy from Verizon, which I played with for most of the day, then onto a friend’s birthday party at a bar I have always been afraid to go into which was followed by late-night mussels compliments of Mindy. Just your typical run-of-the-mill weekend.

A Preview Of Bills To Come

I woke up this morning to my whole apartment rattling. I knew my windows were old but I guess I had no idea just how old and worn they actually were. I should not be able to feel a breeze ten feet away when my windows are closed. It isn’t just my windows though where I can feel the breeze. The wind was actually coming through the walls and my bathroom ceiling. I am going to have to take the window plastic people use to cover their windows and cover not only my windows but the whole apartment this winter or my heating bills are going to be astronomical. That will surely add a nice modern look to my seventies apartment.

Information You Can Only Get From A Student Newspaper

I can’t help it. This made me laugh out loud.

“Proceeds from both the university Pagan change drive and the Muslim Student Association bake sale are being funneled directly to Katrina survivors.”

Race Against Time

On Sunday my television went down. I could only see a blue screen. The one thing I look forward to all weekend is watching football all day on Sunday and time was not on my side as it was already 12:30 and kickoff was in thirty minutes. I started to panic. My first instinct was to call the cable company to make sure they got my check. They did. Now I am really in trouble. The woman at the cable company tried to walk me through all the possible problems. As she started to hear the panic in my voice, she began to sound more like a 911 operator. Finally she figured out it was the television. When my electricity went out on Friday, my television reverted back to channel 2 and it has to be on channel 4. This change can only be made with a remote control, which I do not have. She told me to go to Wal-Mart but I didn’t have the time. Finally I remembered the little television I have in my back room. I ran and grabbed that television and unplugged my digital cable box and plugged in my regular cable wires. I missed the first two drives of the Browns game, but in the end, I was just fine watching football on my 13-inch monitor. TV + Football=Happy.

It's Official

It’s officially Fall and to commemorate the new season, I fell twice this week. My first trip was at Edgewater Park in front of this large family trying to pass me on the sidewalk. I went down and I went down hard. They seemed concerned but they kept moving. The person I was with tried to look concerned but she couldn’t stop laughing. Last night I went down again. Right off my barstool when my companion jokingly gave me a push. Again I went down and even harder this time. This time people actually rushed to make sure I was okay and not foaming at the mouth after hitting my head twice on the way down. I am fine, but I do have a nice knot on my head this morning. This is a rough season.

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Outfit Spotted on Abbey Avenue

You just can't beat the fashion of the Near West Side. Two days ago around lunchtime I saw what can only be described as a "smart outfit." A woman pushing her cart across the street was wearing long johns with floral boxers over them, a sweater, a sweater vest and goggles. She reminded me a little of the red baron.

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My Favorite New Toy

Is there anything more fun for a grown woman to play with than a secret decoder ring that only your best friends have access to? This thing really has me distracted. Funny thing is, my dad just called me at work to discuss business (fantasy football) and he asked if I was busy. I said, “nope, just playing with my new decoder ring.” I don’t think he knew quite how to react.

No Respect

What started out as a respectable Friday evening with a nice dinner in Tremont and an art opening somehow ended up with me crawling out of a minivan with only a mattress in the back at 4 a.m. Don’t worry the minivan belonged to a friend and the mattress, well I am still not sure what that was doing in the back. It was one of those nights when you say, “Oh okay but just one drink. I don’t want it to be a late night.” This is the curse of death. Soon all your friends are showing up at the Garage Bar as you close the place down and head to breakfast. This brings me to the point of this blog entry, though not in a very succinct manner I might add.

On Friday night at 3 a.m., I witnessed the worst job in the world. A job I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy: working the third shift at a 24-hour diner. How horrible would this be? Your work consists of waiting on drunk people after the bars close as they order the weirdest combinations of food, ordering in slurs and passing out by the time the food comes. Of course everyone at my table was sober and none of these things happened to anyone I was with (ahem), but it was quite a sight to see around the restaurant. You would have to be the biggest masochist in the world to take this job. On Saturday morning Mindy described this job as, “Hell on Earth.” I would have to agree with her.

What an interesting ten hours Friday night turned out to be. I went from ordering a respectable dinner at South Side in Tremont to ordering saurkraut balls at a 24-hour diner, only to have my friend drop us off out of the back of her minivan at the crack of dawn. Seriously, next time, just one drink.

Back On The Circuit

After taking 24 small pills in a matter of four days (they don’t call it the “power pack” for nothing), my health is almost back to normal. In return this means my life is almost back to normal. I am now back to work and, most importantly, back out on the streets of Ohio City. Minus a brief stop in the flats last night for dinner at Rock Bottom (huge mistake!), I was able to meet up with some people I haven’t seen in weeks to catch up and enjoy some much-needed laughter. Nothing like making up for lost time.